The Real True Internet News

The real true news. Don’t believe those big media sites!

Bernie Sanders to run with Trump

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sanderstrumpHaving won the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders has announced that Donald Trump will be his running mate as Vice President.

“When people talk about Trump, they’re also talking about me”, said Sanders. “Although Trump doesn’t have an opinion about much of anything so it’s easy to confuse him with anyone.”

With Trump leaving the GOP, Rubio and Bush have unsuspended their campaigns to compete with Cruz and Kasich.


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March 19, 2016 at 8:18 am

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Republican Field Still Losing to Mickey Mouse

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A lot can happen in 13 months… but so far, the Republican party still hasn’t produced a viable candidate. They have a black guy, a Mormon, and a retard. And this crazy woman who deep throats corn dogs.

Many Republican voters will choose not to vote rather than vote for a Mormon or a black guy. So Herman Cain and Willard “Mitt” Romney are not viable alternatives to Obama.

The retard, Rick Perry, would not survive a debate with Obama.

The crazy woman has just made too many crazy statements to remain a viable candidate. She promised that the price of gas would decline below $2 if she was elected, and that she would “stand and win the war on terror.” Craziest of all is her position against government handouts while she simultaneously accepts government handouts (farm subsidies and Medicare payouts to her husband’s anti-gay clinic.)

Three of the “front running” Republican candidates (Bachmann, Cain, Perry) have claimed that God told them to run for office.  Is the strategy to ensure a second term for Obama? It seems so.

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October 16, 2011 at 10:30 am

Republicans to run Mickey Mouse in 2012

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No, we’re not running a cartoon character against President Obama in 2012. Republican voters aren’t that easily fooled. What we’re actually doing is running an anonymous candidate in a Mickey Mouse costume.

The Real True Internet News interviewed Speaker of the House John Boehner today about the Republican’s strategy for 2012.

I would run against Obama myself, but I’d have to miss too much golf if I were president. A person in a Mickey Mouse costume is the best option. Who doesn’t love Mickey Mouse? We’ll win by a landslide.

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May 15, 2011 at 3:49 pm

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Republicans Question Obama Happy Meal

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happymeal RNC (Republican National Committee) Chairman Michael Steele showed up at a Washington DC area McDonald’s restaurant today to question the front counter employee who allegedly sold President Obama a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” at lunchtime today.

“What has Barack Obama done to deserve a Happy Meal?” Steele asked, we’re not sure if he was asking rhetorically, when Real True Internet News contacted him today.

“Obama has done nothing but make me miserable”, said Steele. “If he was buying one of them Big Macs or Fishburger things I have no problem with that. But a HAPPY MEAL?! The audacity of the man shocks me. Next thing you know he’ll be handing out free Happy Meals to illegal immigrants on the public option of his health plan. Happy Meal my ass.”

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October 9, 2009 at 7:13 pm

Posted in USA Politics

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Obama Tries to Brainwash Children

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obama1Some parents are enraged over a speech President Obama is going to make on Tuesday, Sept 8. as our nation’s students head back to school.

“It’s absurd”, stated one parent, Twit Palin. “I can’t believe he’s actually going to say something like that… write a letter describing how you would help the president. Oh my God. It’s preposterous! I can’t believe it. It’s like he wants to eliminate the nation’s Christian day care centers and have all those kids working for him like mindless zombies instead of being in day care. I’m very upset.”

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September 5, 2009 at 10:01 am

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Christian Values Enrage Republicans

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20090618-healthcare Town hall meetings on health care found Republicans ranting about Obama’s proposed crack down on greed in the health insurance industry and offer of free health care for the uninsured.

One man identifying himself as “Joe the surgeon” told us “we (Republicans) only like to talk about values like kindness and generosity… we have no intention of actually demonstrating such silly values. Pretty soon Obama will be saying everyone should have FOOD and a PLACE TO LIVE too. My father worked hard to pay for the house I inherited from him. Well yeah so I got it for free but that’s different.”

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August 8, 2009 at 11:40 am

Mandalay Bay Las Vegas Offers Intergalactic Vacations

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mandalay_bay_12a Mandalay Bay Las Vegas is now offering upscale travelers the option of visiting other galaxies during their stay at the popular resort. MGM Mirage CEO James Martian gave us an interview to explain the exciting details about this new attraction.

“We’ve basically integrated an FTL (faster than light) engine with the hotel’s HVAC (heating, ventilation & air conditioning) system. FTL was something we picked up from the science fiction TV series Battlestar Galactica (not the 1970s one with the fake looking Cylons). By re-watching a few key episodes several dozen times, we figured out how to actually build a faster than light engine. We also checked to make sure no one else had already patented a faster than light engine.

So, in addition to the standard $200 VIP package offered on our web site (where a limo picks you up at the airport and you get VIP line passes to everything in the resort) we also have a $10,000,000,000 VIP FTL package which adds the option of visiting Galaxy M101.

Real True Internet News: How far away is Galaxy M101?

Martian: 27 million light years. But I already know your next question… how long does it take to get there and back? That’s the really cool part of the deal… it doesn’t.

RTIN: What doesn’t what?

Martian: Traveling to Galaxy M101 does not take any time. Not to the traveler, anyway. If we were traveling AT the speed of light it would take 27 million years, each way. Our FTL engine can reach a velocity of 1,000 times the speed of light, however; so it only takes 27,000 years each way. But that’s 27,000 years earthbound time. Due to the time dilation that occurs from traveling at that speed, our travelers make the trip in about an hour each way. Our package is for 3 days and 2 nights. One day to get there, stay overnight, spend a day touring the galaxy, stay overnight again; then come back.

RTIN: But during those “three days”, haven’t 54,000 years passed on Earth?

Martian: Yes. And that’s just a minor detail we haven’t worked out yet. Although it is a hidden bonus for individuals with a lot of debt or bad credit, since when you get back; your credit is all brand new. Nobody keeps records for 54,000 years.

RTIN: … OK. So, assuming you work out that “detail”… how does the trip work exactly? In that photo it looks like the whole building launches off into space. So you’d be taking everyone in the building rather than just one traveler.

Martian: Well, that’s built into the price. Steve Wynn’s Encore resort only cost $2.3 billion to construct between 2006 and 2008. At $10 billion for each Intergalactic Vacation, we’ll be able to construct many copies of Mandalay Bay. We’re digging a huge tunnel right now which will allow us to have these copies loaded up and ready to spring out from underground. As soon as one Mandalay Bay leaves the atmosphere, a new copy will resurrect in its place from the underground tunnel. And we do make announcements every 33 minutes for several days preceding launch to make sure everyone is out of the resort except for the paid travelers. There’s no room service or housekeeping but the travelers do get to enjoy the entire resort without any crowds for three days.

RTIN: Wow. Well, I would not believe it if I didn’t see it right there in that photo.

Martian: Umm. Actually, we Photoshopped that. Mandalay Bay has not launched yet but we have tested the technology with the Frontier, Stardust, Klondike and Westward Ho. False press releases were issued stating that these resorts were demolished but actually they’re on short test runs. Stardust is scheduled to return in the year 2207.

RTIN: … and huge hotels falling out of the sky won’t be a problem in 2207?

Martian: Possibly. It’s not our problem though. Las Vegas will run out of water by 2020 so we don’t expect anything to be here by 2207. It will be all empty desert like it was in 1907.

RTIN: Well, thanks for explaining the FTL VIP package to us and good luck with the project.

Martian: Thank you. And tell everyone to use code FTL when booking online. We’re offering a discount of $1 billion to the first five customers.

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July 16, 2009 at 1:19 pm