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Archive for January 2009

Magic Government Document Found in White House Trash

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election-magic-2382 Last week, First Lady Michelle Obama reports finding a document in the kitchen trash can that appears to have been written by former President George W. Bush which describes “magic” in government.

Michelle texted Real True Internet News from her husband’s BlackBerry mobile device to give us the details.

“I found this, it looked like a screenplay, in the kitchen trash. It talks about how the legislative branch of government creates laws, how the judicial branch of government enforces laws, and how the “magical” branch of government overrides them both. Apparently President Bush wanted to change the name of the executive branch of government to the magic or magical branch. It’s quite an interesting document actually, Bush talks about how he vetoed bills and issued pardons which to him felt like he was performing magic because he could just override and cancel out dozens of people’s work and many years of work.”

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January 31, 2009 at 11:38 am

Bird Strike Takes Out U.S. Airways Airbus A320

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birdstrikeCNN reports an airplane fell into the Hudson River after a failed takeoff from LaGuardia Airport in New York City. All passengers have apparently survived the crash.

The pilot exchanged some cell phone text messages with Real True Internet News while he was on a rescue boat en route from the sinking plane.

“It was a bird strike. We had just taken off and suddenly this giant bird grabbed the plane in its talons and tried to fly off with it, as if the plane was its prey. Which it was, since the plane crashed, but the giant bird thought we were a smaller bird. It apparently wasn’t ready to deal with two 5,000 horsepower jet engines and let go of the fuselage almost immediately, but it still stopped us dead in midair and the plane was unable to maintain altitude. Luckily we were over the Hudson River. Pay attention the next time you’re on a flight while the flight attendants are talking about flotation devices.”

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January 15, 2009 at 2:43 pm

All U.S. Businesses To Be Closed

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closed Due to the continued declining economy, financial expert Hugh Collins today told Real True Internet News that all businesses in the USA would be closed by 2010.

“It’s just basic math. The economy is declining in certain ways we can measure over time, and we can compare those measurements to the time span. Such as the number of businesses that file for bankruptcy per day, the decreases in revenue specific businesses have experienced, and so on.

According to my calculations, all US businesses will go out of business by October 2010 at the latest. There will be a lot of mergers in early 2010 among the strongest left standing – I expect McDonalds and Starbucks to merge, I expect all fast food chains to merge, I expect all gas stations to merge – but in the end they will all go under.”

We asked Collins what will happen to the United States if all businesses go out of business. Where will people buy food or clothing and other essentials?

I expect we’ll initially go back to a state of anarchy where the most well armed and charismatic leaders will assemble armies to take what they want. When there’s nothing left to take then the leaders will be overthrown by a manufacturing revolution where artisans, farmers, and others who know how to manufacture products will rise to power. The barter system will work for awhile then a new kind of currency will be introduced, probably by 2020. By 2050 we’ll be back to pretty much the same place we are now.”

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January 14, 2009 at 11:02 am

Posted in Financial News, USA News

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Obama Claims “Time Shifting” Defense

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obama_plane Recent grumblings from Republican politicos claiming that Obama is doing “too much” before he is sworn into office on January 20, 2009 elicited this response from President Obama. OK, President Elect Obama.

“I’m sure you’re all familiar with the famous Supreme Court ruling in Sony Corp. of America v. Universal City Studios, Inc., also known as the “Betamax case”, which was a decision ruling that the making of individual copies of complete television shows for purposes of time-shifting does not constitute copyright infringement, but is fair use.

Time shifting means you record a television show on Monday night then you watch it Saturday afternoon. Maybe you skip the commercials too.

So what I’m doing now, is merely time shifting instructions to my staff and cabinet. By the time January 20 comes around and I’m officially President of the United States, these instructions will be there, ready for play back. I’m not infringing on President Bush in any way. I’m just time shifting my presidency.”

Republican strategists are scrambling to find a case precedent for filing suit against Obama, but don’t expect to be able to have a case heard by January 20.

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January 9, 2009 at 9:26 am

Carnival cruise ship worker reported missing

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cruiseship Carnival Cruise Lines today reported that a worker on one of their ships at sea is missing.

Real True Internet News contacted the ship’s captain, Stan Steubing, by satellite phone to find out what’s going on.

“He was a singer performing at our New Year’s Eve party. Just after midnight his wife went looking for him. She looked everywhere and couldn’t find him. We sent 5 more of our staff members to search the ship. We checked everywhere and we can’t find him either. Now I’m thinking maybe he didn’t sing so well and got thrown overboard. The passengers do that sometimes. We had Carrot Top perform in 2002 and he got thrown overboard too.”

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January 1, 2009 at 11:16 am

Posted in World News

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President Bush Cancels 2009

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bush “That’s right. I’m still the President, and I’m cancelling 2009. Just because I can. There’s no law against me changing the calendar. Some people think the world is going to end in 2012 so I might cancel 2010 and 2011 too, so we can find out faster. Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’m cancelling 2010 and 2011. Today is January 1, 2012. Whether you like it or not.”

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January 1, 2009 at 11:05 am

Posted in USA News, USA Politics

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