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Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

Mickey Mouse Identified as a “Soldier of Satan”

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The Fox News headline reads: Saudi cleric says Mickey Mouse must die.

Sheikh Muhammad Munajid stated that the beloved Disney cartoon character is a soldier of Satan and should be killed in accordance with Islamic law.

Real True Internet News contacted Munajid this morning to inquire as to how a fictitious character poses a threat to anyone.

“Well, you infidels think Allah is a fictitious character, and you felt his glory on September 11, 2001. While you think Mickey Mouse is fictitious, we can feel his evil at work in the nations of Islam in the same way that you felt the power of Allah on 9/11. Mickey Mouse is responsible for nearly all bad things that happen to Muslim people. Disease, death, poverty, all that stuff. It’s his fault and I will kill him. I have prayed to Allah and He has given me many magical spells and weapons to use in accomplishing Jihad against Mickey Mouse. You will soon see.”

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September 19, 2008 at 4:35 pm

Bibles Seized at Chinese Airport

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Chinese officials confiscated 300 Bibles at the Kumming airport today.

“Bibles are legal in China, but travelers may only bring a personal use amount of them into the country. I don’t think this guy personally needed 300 Bibles.”, said Wu Chei Wei, a Chinese customs agent.

Bible smuggler Pat Klein retorted that he’d been smuggling Bibles into China for 21 years and had never been caught before. “This is really going to hurt our profit margin, losing 300 Bibles. I can get about $150 each for these on the Chinese black market.”

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August 18, 2008 at 8:52 am

Snake Handling Pastor Arrested

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CNN reports that a snake-handling pastor has been arrested in Kentucky.

Real True Internet News contacted Pastor Gregory James Coots to get his side of the story.

“It was a sting operation. The police pretended to not be police, bought some snakes from me then arrested me for having and selling them. “Illegal reptiles” they say. Whatever happened to freedom of religion? Only two members of my congregation have died from snakebites so far. Good Christians can handle deadly snakes and not have to worry about it, because it says that in the Bible. It’s in Luke 10:19 – “Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.” See? Those two who died must have been evil, followers of Satan or something. Every Sunday we have about 100 people come to service, maybe 20 kids, and they all play with my snakes. It’s lots of fun. Except for the two that died.”

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July 13, 2008 at 8:45 am

Fake Priest Infiltrates St. Peter’s Basilica

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CNN reports a fake priest was caught trying to hear confessions in St. Peter’s Basilica and was tried by a Vatican tribunal, a Vatican judge said in an interview published Saturday.

Real True Internet News held a video conference with our correspondent in Rome, Father Guido Sarducci, who explained the incident.

“You could fool the Vatican police, you could fool churchgoers, you could maybe even fool the Pope; but you cannot fool God. This fake priest, he was very stupid, thinking he could fool God; who is the boss of priests. It doesn’t matter what you do. You could put on a big floppy hat, a priest suit, a fake mustache, whatever. God still sees who you are. I’m surprised this priest impersonator didn’t just burst into flames when he entered the holy area of the church. I bet it was Jesus who saved him. You know how God is always all angry and shouting at Moses and punishing people but Jesus says be nice. I think Jesus has the same power as God, so maybe it was Jesus spotted the fake priest first before God could make him burst into flame or turn into a pillar of salt. But it’s the same thing either way. You cannot fool omnipotent omnipresent beings. What the heck was this guy thinking!?”

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July 6, 2008 at 12:58 pm

Posted in Religion, World News

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Obama Accused of Distorting the Bible

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CNN is providing much entertainment for the staff of Real True Internet News today and we have to wonder if they think today is April Fool’s Day. Their latest story involves some kind of accusation made against Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama about distorting the Bible. From CNN:

In comments to be aired on his radio show Tuesday, Focus on the Family founder James Dobson criticizes the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee for comments he made in a June 2006 speech to the liberal Christian group Call to Renewal.

In the speech, Obama suggested that it would be impractical to govern based solely on the word of the Bible, noting that some passages suggest slavery is permissible and eating shellfish is disgraceful.

Real True Internet News would also like to point out the following excerpts from the Bible:

Leviticus 5 discusses how to properly sacrifice birds:

7 And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering.

8 And he shall bring them unto the priest, who shall offer that which is for the sin offering first, and wring off his head from his neck, but shall not divide it asunder:

9 And he shall sprinkle of the blood of the sin offering upon the side of the altar; and the rest of the blood shall be wrung out at the bottom of the altar: it is a sin offering.

Numbers 31 discusses what to do with captured enemies:

17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Deuteronomy 25 suggests amputation as a punishment when wives argue with their husbands:

11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:

12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

Real True Internet News officially takes the position that Obama is 100% right to keep this silly book out of politics.

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June 24, 2008 at 3:05 pm

Obama Leaves His Church

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Senator Barack Obama left a message on the Real True Internet News answering machine today, in response to a voice mail we left him asking why he’d left his church of 20 years, Trinity United Church of Christ.

“They run that place like the mafia! You want anything big, you have to ask the God Father. For smaller stuff you can go to his consigliere, Jesus. Then you have the Virgin Mary… she doesn’t have a title but she’s like Carmela Soprano. You know? She’s not even a soldier but carries a lot of weight. Pastor is the first level of made guy, and all these reverends are jockeying for position to get their buttons. It’s crazy and I’m outta there.”

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June 2, 2008 at 5:02 pm

Posted in Religion, USA News, USA Politics

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Polygamy Ranch Vacation Packages

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Eldorado Ranch of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, made famous in the media by recent stories involving the removal and return of over 400 children, is now offering vacation packages to raise funds.

Sister Wife Madeline told Real True Internet News about the vacation packages.

“We obtained a volume discount from the airlines and hastily constructed a makeshift hotel on the Ranch property so we can offer vacation packages to anyone who wishes to experience the pleasures of our so-called “polygamy ranch” firsthand. An influx of tourists will not only help us pay our legal expenses but may offer us the opportunity to breed with folks from outside our gene pool. The DNA test results of the children revealed that they all have the same DNA. So we could use some variety.”

The Polygamy Ranch Vacation web site lists packages starting at $129 per night including 3 meals and transportation by donkey drawn cart from the airstrip. The Ranch Hotel has a dining room, maid service, dry cleaning service, and swimming hole.

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May 23, 2008 at 11:26 pm

Posted in Religion, USA News

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