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Archive for the ‘USA Politics’ Category

Republican Field Still Losing to Mickey Mouse

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A lot can happen in 13 months… but so far, the Republican party still hasn’t produced a viable candidate. They have a black guy, a Mormon, and a retard. And this crazy woman who deep throats corn dogs.

Many Republican voters will choose not to vote rather than vote for a Mormon or a black guy. So Herman Cain and Willard “Mitt” Romney are not viable alternatives to Obama.

The retard, Rick Perry, would not survive a debate with Obama.

The crazy woman has just made too many crazy statements to remain a viable candidate. She promised that the price of gas would decline below $2 if she was elected, and that she would “stand and win the war on terror.” Craziest of all is her position against government handouts while she simultaneously accepts government handouts (farm subsidies and Medicare payouts to her husband’s anti-gay clinic.)

Three of the “front running” Republican candidates (Bachmann, Cain, Perry) have claimed that God told them to run for office.  Is the strategy to ensure a second term for Obama? It seems so.


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October 16, 2011 at 10:30 am

Republicans to run Mickey Mouse in 2012

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No, we’re not running a cartoon character against President Obama in 2012. Republican voters aren’t that easily fooled. What we’re actually doing is running an anonymous candidate in a Mickey Mouse costume.

The Real True Internet News interviewed Speaker of the House John Boehner today about the Republican’s strategy for 2012.

I would run against Obama myself, but I’d have to miss too much golf if I were president. A person in a Mickey Mouse costume is the best option. Who doesn’t love Mickey Mouse? We’ll win by a landslide.

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May 15, 2011 at 3:49 pm

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Republicans Question Obama Happy Meal

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happymeal RNC (Republican National Committee) Chairman Michael Steele showed up at a Washington DC area McDonald’s restaurant today to question the front counter employee who allegedly sold President Obama a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” at lunchtime today.

“What has Barack Obama done to deserve a Happy Meal?” Steele asked, we’re not sure if he was asking rhetorically, when Real True Internet News contacted him today.

“Obama has done nothing but make me miserable”, said Steele. “If he was buying one of them Big Macs or Fishburger things I have no problem with that. But a HAPPY MEAL?! The audacity of the man shocks me. Next thing you know he’ll be handing out free Happy Meals to illegal immigrants on the public option of his health plan. Happy Meal my ass.”

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October 9, 2009 at 7:13 pm

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Christian Values Enrage Republicans

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20090618-healthcare Town hall meetings on health care found Republicans ranting about Obama’s proposed crack down on greed in the health insurance industry and offer of free health care for the uninsured.

One man identifying himself as “Joe the surgeon” told us “we (Republicans) only like to talk about values like kindness and generosity… we have no intention of actually demonstrating such silly values. Pretty soon Obama will be saying everyone should have FOOD and a PLACE TO LIVE too. My father worked hard to pay for the house I inherited from him. Well yeah so I got it for free but that’s different.”

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August 8, 2009 at 11:40 am

Sarah Palin Finally Gets It

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palingov Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has announced she is stepping down as Governor.

Real True Internet News expected this last year after she repeatedly embarrassed herself during television interviews; revealing that she was not familiar with any Supreme Court decisions and also being unable to name any magazines or newspapers.

I finally get it now,” Palin said, when asked why she was resigning.

I have no business being in politics at all. It’s just a weird set of random events that put me here. When I was running for mayor of Wasilla I thought being mayor was like being a cheerleader or goodwill ambassador. I never really thought of it as a political position or career. Then I go and get elected governor. Then John McCain asks me to run for vice president. It’s insane! What’s wrong with these people? I just want to drink lattes, get my nails done, go to aerobics and watch soaps. But noooo… you people wouldn’t leave me alone. You kept asking me questions about nonsense like the war in Iraq and the Constitution. I don’t care about any of that. Leave me alone.

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July 4, 2009 at 6:15 am

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Obama’s Online Town Hall Meeting

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Obama’s online town hall meeting on Thursday launched a new era in politics where citizens are able to actively participate in the political process via the Internet.  The white house indicated that questions should only involve the economy. Posted questions were then voted up higher on the list or down lower on the list by other participants.

President Obama indicated that one of the top questions, receiving over 3.5 million votes, involved legalizing marijuana in the interest of helping the economy. It has long been argued that in addition to the savings that would come along with ceasing the apprehension and prosecution of marijuana users, heavy taxes could be levied on the product. Additionally, marijuana has been proven effective as a substitute for various pharmaceuticals.

In response to the question, Obama stated “well, it all depends on if we’re talking about cheap Mexican brick weed or if we’re talking about a 40th generation Northern Lights/Kush hybrid. Right now our border agents are mainly engaging smugglers from Mexico who don’t seem to understand that nobody wants that schwag anyway. We need to keep low potency marijuana out of America. Therefore, legalizing marijuana in itself will not help the economy; since we will suffer an influx of low grade Mexican and Colombian strains you can’t give away. Responsible legislation must also involve quality control. And… what was I saying? Lost my train of thought for a minute. Does anyone have any Chips Ahoy or a Snickers on them?”

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March 28, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Republican Senators Draft Stimulus Alternative

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Republican senators have drafted a stimulus alternative to President Obama’s stimulus plan.

Real True Internet News briefly spoke with Senator Frank Booth (R – Alabama) about this alternative stimulus package.

“We KNOW how to stimulate the economy cuz we done it before. Obama don’t know doodley squat. Right? What does Mr. Harvard Law Graduate Millionaire know about Main Street? Squat. That’s what.

So we Republicans are taking control, whether Obama likes it or not, because our plan will work.

To hell with creating jobs. Don’t nobody want more jobs. Most of us hate our damn jobs so why would we want MORE of that crap? No. 800 billion dollars sure buys a lot of PABST BLUE RIBBON though! You fuckin A betcha! We’re buying the whole brewery and replacing all city drinking water with PABST BLUE RIBBON. You’ll bathe and shower in PABST. You will drink PABST from your bathroom and kitchen faucets. Your dog will drink PABST out of the toilet. You’ll water your lawn with PABST.

Now THAT is a real stimulus package.”

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February 2, 2009 at 3:53 pm