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Archive for the ‘World News’ Category

Taliban Implements A New Strategy

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teletubbies In order to escape US Marines targeting the Taliban in Afghanistan, some Taliban members have implemented a new strategy.

They are trading in their robes, turbans, and decrepit beards for Teletubbie costumes“, stated our CNN correspondent via satellite telephone.

Many of our Marines and other soldiers are still teenagers who grew up with the Teletubbies. While they know that Teletubbies are not real, and especially that they would not encounter a Teletubbie in the deserts of Afghanistan… there is a momentary shock and surprise which allows the Taliban enough time to run away and evade capture. Furthermore, many soldiers are reluctant to fire their weapons at cute cartoon characters. General Petreus is working on a counter strategy… outfitting US soldiers in Ahmad Duck and Mahmoud Mouse (beloved Islamic cartoon characters) costumes. Then, when our soldiers are surprised by a Taliban Teletubbie, the Taliban Teletubbie is at the same time surprised by Ahmad Duck or Mahmoud Mouse; which evens the playing field. They are both momentarily surprised and shocked.

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July 3, 2009 at 12:31 pm

Real True Internet News Interviews President of Iran

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ahmadinejad Real True Internet News was granted an interview with Iranian president Mahmoo Fukmadinejad

Ahmadinejad: That’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

RTIN: Sorry…. umm, we were granted an interview with Iranian president Mahmoud Fagmadinejad after being flown to Iran in a private jet

Ahmadinejad: That’s AHMADINEJAD.

RTIN: Sorry, right. OK. So, President Suckmydad, were you

Ahmadinejad: It’s AHMADINEJAD. Don’t make me tell you again or you will be very sorry.

RTIN: Sorry. OK, Mister President…

Ahmadinejad: That’s better.

RTIN: So… how did you win re-election so quickly and easily?

Ahmadinejad: It is the will of Allah. Also, I read “Mein Kampf” and have adapted the teachings of Adolf Hitler. His methods were radical but effective.

RTIN: But Hitler was a raving, murderous lunatic.

Ahmadinejad: Yes, I admire him very much and would like to be just like him.

RTIN: You want to commit suicide after US forces defeat your military?

Ahmadinejad: No, of course not. I said I want to BE just like him. Not end up like he ended up. What is your name anyway?

RTIN: I’m, uhhh, umm, Kareem…. uhh, Abdul Jabbar.

Ahmadinejad: Good. That is a good Muslim name. Now what were we talking about?

RTIN: The election.

Ahmadinejad: Oh yes. I won the election by a huge margin. The people of Iran love me.

RTIN: I’ve seen them partying in the streets recently.

Ahmadinejad: Yes, they are filled with joy.

RTIN: President Hamgonadinajar, what is (ARGGGHHH)

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June 27, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Posted in World News

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OMFG We Are All Gonna Die Of Swine Flu

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pig Today CNN reported that we’re all gonna die of swine flu.

Real True Internet News spoke with World Health Organization Director General Dr. Margaret Chan through a triple layered sterile “bubble” after taking several hot chemical showers and an acid bath.

Dr. Chan: Yes, it is very bad. We are all going to die soon.

Real True Internet News: That’s it? No hope?

Dr. Chan: No hope. We all die.

RTIN: But this same thing happened in 1976 and it was no big deal.

Dr. Chan: Well, this time is different.

RTIN: How is it different?

Dr. Chan: Well, the swine flu virus is now much stronger than it was in 1976. Now, if you see a pig, you die. If you think about a pig, you die. You can catch the swine flu over the Internet even. There is no escape.

RTIN: But less than a thousandth of a percent of the USA population even has swine flu. We have about 300 million US citizens. Three million catching swine flu would be 1 percent of the population. 30,000 would be a HUNDREDTH of one percent. Not even 1/1000th of ONE PERCENT of the population has it. So how can it be this “pandemic” that you’re calling it?

Dr. Chan: You, you don’t argue with me. Everyone in the USA will be dead soon; and then everyone in the world.

RTIN: So why all the safety precautions like the chemical showers and sterile plastic bubble?

Dr. Chan: You’re right, it isn’t necessary. Come on out and have a ham sandwich.

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April 29, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Posted in Health, World News

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ASUSTeK Computer Announces Merger With Jesus

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pope_laptopASUSTeK Computer Inc. announced yesterday that they are merging with Jesus Christ effective January 2010. Real True Internet News was not able to get in touch with a representative from ASUS (which is perhaps most well known for introducing the EEE PC netbook computer) but we were surprised to see Jesus show up for an interview as a disembodied voice.

Real True Internet News: So perhaps you can explain why the savior of humanity would merge with a high tech company.

Jesus: Certainly. For one thing, We felt it was time to update the image of Abrahamic religions. You’ve got these books that are thousands of years old, and barbaric customs like eating my flesh and drinking my blood, which need to be brought up to date. Secondly, the Catholic church is in very poor financial shape after all those lawsuits, so we’re going to become more vigorous in pursuing the acquisition of financial wealth.

RTIN: That makes sense. Now tell us about the new direction laptop computers will be taking?

Jesus: The company will become JAsus in January 2010 and introduce the new Holybook EEE PC. The Holybook will have constant, uninterrupted access to the Internet via the Heaven Network, and run forever with no power supply. Pricing will start at only $299.

RTIN: What kind of content is on Heaven Network?

Jesus: We have the typical chat rooms and discussion forums, weather forecast, that type of stuff, and JewTube is very popular. You do know that I am a Jew? All that Christianity nonsense started after I left. Anyway, Moses and I have quite a few videos on JewTube.

RTIN: Does God have a web site?

Jesus: God is all web sites.

RTIN: We always thought you were opposed to money.

Jesus: Well, I was for a long time. Things change.

RTIN: Thanks for talking to us!

Jesus: You’re welcome. And don’t forget to log on to http://www.jasus.com next year to order your Holybook.

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April 2, 2009 at 10:14 am

British Prime Minister Brown and Obama in Talks

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Today, United Kingdom Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Obama are in talks at the white house.

Real True Internet News has an insider at the White House who planted a secret spy microphone last night so we could listen in on the meeting. White House anti-spy security measures made our microphone mostly useless but we did get about a minute of good audio.

OBAMA: French fries, really?

BROWN: Oh yes. I know you have potato chips here which you call chips but our chips are more like what you call French Fries.

OBAMA: They use a lot of halibut and cod here, and pollock in the really cheap places.

BROWN: Traditionally we’ve use haddock or cod, our chippies still stick to that tradition.

OBAMA: Chippies?

BROWN: Oh, that’s what we call the fish and chip shops.

OBAMA: … and you guys put vinegar on the chips, is that right?

BROWN: Malt vinegar, yah, I dunno how you Yanks can stand that tomato paste stuff on chips!

OBAMA: Michelle makes a secret sauce of some kind that I love. I think it’s just mayonnaise mixed with ketchup but she won’t tell me.

BROWN: Maybe she’ll share the recipe with me to bring home to England?

OBAMA: I’ll have to ask her. Because then her secret sauce won’t be a secret anymore.

BROWN: Well with the fish you know, it’s more about the thickness of the breading (at this point we lost the audio.)

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March 3, 2009 at 10:21 am

Carnival cruise ship worker reported missing

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cruiseship Carnival Cruise Lines today reported that a worker on one of their ships at sea is missing.

Real True Internet News contacted the ship’s captain, Stan Steubing, by satellite phone to find out what’s going on.

“He was a singer performing at our New Year’s Eve party. Just after midnight his wife went looking for him. She looked everywhere and couldn’t find him. We sent 5 more of our staff members to search the ship. We checked everywhere and we can’t find him either. Now I’m thinking maybe he didn’t sing so well and got thrown overboard. The passengers do that sometimes. We had Carrot Top perform in 2002 and he got thrown overboard too.”

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January 1, 2009 at 11:16 am

Posted in World News

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Mickey Mouse Identified as a “Soldier of Satan”

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The Fox News headline reads: Saudi cleric says Mickey Mouse must die.

Sheikh Muhammad Munajid stated that the beloved Disney cartoon character is a soldier of Satan and should be killed in accordance with Islamic law.

Real True Internet News contacted Munajid this morning to inquire as to how a fictitious character poses a threat to anyone.

“Well, you infidels think Allah is a fictitious character, and you felt his glory on September 11, 2001. While you think Mickey Mouse is fictitious, we can feel his evil at work in the nations of Islam in the same way that you felt the power of Allah on 9/11. Mickey Mouse is responsible for nearly all bad things that happen to Muslim people. Disease, death, poverty, all that stuff. It’s his fault and I will kill him. I have prayed to Allah and He has given me many magical spells and weapons to use in accomplishing Jihad against Mickey Mouse. You will soon see.”

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September 19, 2008 at 4:35 pm