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Obama Tries to Brainwash Children

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obama1Some parents are enraged over a speech President Obama is going to make on Tuesday, Sept 8. as our nation’s students head back to school.

“It’s absurd”, stated one parent, Twit Palin. “I can’t believe he’s actually going to say something like that… write a letter describing how you would help the president. Oh my God. It’s preposterous! I can’t believe it. It’s like he wants to eliminate the nation’s Christian day care centers and have all those kids working for him like mindless zombies instead of being in day care. I’m very upset.”

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September 5, 2009 at 10:01 am

Posted in USA News

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Christian Values Enrage Republicans

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20090618-healthcare Town hall meetings on health care found Republicans ranting about Obama’s proposed crack down on greed in the health insurance industry and offer of free health care for the uninsured.

One man identifying himself as “Joe the surgeon” told us “we (Republicans) only like to talk about values like kindness and generosity… we have no intention of actually demonstrating such silly values. Pretty soon Obama will be saying everyone should have FOOD and a PLACE TO LIVE too. My father worked hard to pay for the house I inherited from him. Well yeah so I got it for free but that’s different.”

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August 8, 2009 at 11:40 am

Mandalay Bay Las Vegas Offers Intergalactic Vacations

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mandalay_bay_12a Mandalay Bay Las Vegas is now offering upscale travelers the option of visiting other galaxies during their stay at the popular resort. MGM Mirage CEO James Martian gave us an interview to explain the exciting details about this new attraction.


Martian:
“We’ve basically integrated an FTL (faster than light) engine with the hotel’s HVAC (heating, ventilation & air conditioning) system. FTL was something we picked up from the science fiction TV series Battlestar Galactica (not the 1970s one with the fake looking Cylons). By re-watching a few key episodes several dozen times, we figured out how to actually build a faster than light engine. We also checked to make sure no one else had already patented a faster than light engine.

So, in addition to the standard $200 VIP package offered on our web site (where a limo picks you up at the airport and you get VIP line passes to everything in the resort) we also have a $10,000,000,000 VIP FTL package which adds the option of visiting Galaxy M101.

Real True Internet News: How far away is Galaxy M101?

Martian: 27 million light years. But I already know your next question… how long does it take to get there and back? That’s the really cool part of the deal… it doesn’t.

RTIN: What doesn’t what?

Martian: Traveling to Galaxy M101 does not take any time. Not to the traveler, anyway. If we were traveling AT the speed of light it would take 27 million years, each way. Our FTL engine can reach a velocity of 1,000 times the speed of light, however; so it only takes 27,000 years each way. But that’s 27,000 years earthbound time. Due to the time dilation that occurs from traveling at that speed, our travelers make the trip in about an hour each way. Our package is for 3 days and 2 nights. One day to get there, stay overnight, spend a day touring the galaxy, stay overnight again; then come back.

RTIN: But during those “three days”, haven’t 54,000 years passed on Earth?

Martian: Yes. And that’s just a minor detail we haven’t worked out yet. Although it is a hidden bonus for individuals with a lot of debt or bad credit, since when you get back; your credit is all brand new. Nobody keeps records for 54,000 years.

RTIN: … OK. So, assuming you work out that “detail”… how does the trip work exactly? In that photo it looks like the whole building launches off into space. So you’d be taking everyone in the building rather than just one traveler.

Martian: Well, that’s built into the price. Steve Wynn’s Encore resort only cost $2.3 billion to construct between 2006 and 2008. At $10 billion for each Intergalactic Vacation, we’ll be able to construct many copies of Mandalay Bay. We’re digging a huge tunnel right now which will allow us to have these copies loaded up and ready to spring out from underground. As soon as one Mandalay Bay leaves the atmosphere, a new copy will resurrect in its place from the underground tunnel. And we do make announcements every 33 minutes for several days preceding launch to make sure everyone is out of the resort except for the paid travelers. There’s no room service or housekeeping but the travelers do get to enjoy the entire resort without any crowds for three days.

RTIN: Wow. Well, I would not believe it if I didn’t see it right there in that photo.

Martian: Umm. Actually, we Photoshopped that. Mandalay Bay has not launched yet but we have tested the technology with the Frontier, Stardust, Klondike and Westward Ho. False press releases were issued stating that these resorts were demolished but actually they’re on short test runs. Stardust is scheduled to return in the year 2207.

RTIN: … and huge hotels falling out of the sky won’t be a problem in 2207?

Martian: Possibly. It’s not our problem though. Las Vegas will run out of water by 2020 so we don’t expect anything to be here by 2207. It will be all empty desert like it was in 1907.

RTIN: Well, thanks for explaining the FTL VIP package to us and good luck with the project.

Martian: Thank you. And tell everyone to use code FTL when booking online. We’re offering a discount of $1 billion to the first five customers.

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July 16, 2009 at 1:19 pm

Michael Jackson is Still Dead

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michael_jackson Various news sources and media outlets are reporting that Michael Jackson is still dead.

Michael’s sister Janet Jackson contacted Real True Internet News today to report her suspicions that he may not be dead.

Michael was the King of Pop, you know? And he had magic power. How else could he get away with being a grown man who hangs out with children in his own private amusement park for all those years? The jurors at his trial said yeah he’s a pedophile but NOT GUILTY of these specific charges! You have to have magic power to get away with some shit like that, you know, basically caught with your pants down. So I think Michael is still alive. It’s some kind of supernatural paranormal stuff. The secret might be in his album Thriller.

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July 1, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Cylons Buy Mirage Las Vegas

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mirage MGM Mirage has announced the sale of their flagship Mirage Las Vegas resort (formerly a Steve Wynn property) to an undisclosed group of Cylon investors.

MGM Mirage CEO James Martian spoke to us in the waiting room of Happy Ending Reflexology Massage Spa.

“I always thought the Cylons were just science fiction characters like the Borg or Klingons. But about a month ago, an Aaron Doral and Brother John Cavil copy showed up in my office with a certified check for quite a large amount of money. The check cleared the bank and MGM Mirage really needed the money to save Project City Center, so we sold the Mirage to the Cylons. “The Cylons” sounds like a lot of people but it’s really only 7 or 8 people. There are many copies of each person. Plus a “final five.” It’s hard to explain. I’m not sure exactly who the new owners are. What’s important is that Project City Center will be completed on schedule.”

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April 17, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Posted in Entertainment News, USA News

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Home Operating Theater Helps Economy

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home_operating_theater Zonko Products Inc. Corp. today announced that their new product, the Home Operating Theater, will be available to consumers in mid-July. Real True Internet News met with CEO Joe Zonko this morning to get more details about the product. Such as, what a person can do with it.

Real True Internet News: So, Mr. Zonko, what exactly is the Home Operating Theater?

Zonko: This is a fully hospital compliant operating theater in every respect except for a slightly smaller size and lower power consumption.

RTIN: Some of our readers probably are not familiar with the term “operating theater.”

Zonko: Right. Well, it’s a table for doing surgery, high powered lights, electro encephalogram, X-Ray machine, mini MRI (magnetic resonance imaging, similar to X-Ray), full set of scalpels, retractors, gowns, surgical masks, gloves, all the stuff you need to do surgery.

RTIN: … so you’re saying, this is for doing surgery at home?

Zonko: Exactly. Over the past 10 or so years we’ve seen the media report that record numbers of bankruptcies are occurring – mainly due to medical bills. The Home Operating Theater (HOT) pays for itself after just one surgery. There are no bills for hospital stays because you’re not in a hospital. There is no bill for a surgeon or anesthesiologist because YOU are the surgeon or anesthesiologist. Or your wife or the dog or whoever. The average bill for a triple cardio bypass is well over $100,000 and the HOT only costs $89,999. We have an easy payment plan and free installation. And more important, we include step by step instructions for performing the most common types of surgeries, like coronary bypass and appendectomy. We also sell a $29 DVD about delivering babies.

RTIN: Doing your own surgery at home sounds like a great idea, except for the risk involved with letting unqualified people perform surgery.

Zonko: We’ve have zero fatalities so far during our beta testing. Complete instructions are included, so anyone can do the same thing a surgeon can do. Surgeons don’t have special magical hands or anything, you know? If you can draw a straight line you can make an incision. If you know how to use scissors and a needle and thread you can do all the same procedures a skilled surgeon can do.

RTIN: OK well thanks for explaining the HOT to us Mr. Zonko and we wish you luck.

Zonko: Thank you. We also have a small business version of the HOT coming out next year, for performing surgeries at work.

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April 16, 2009 at 9:10 am

Heroin Cheaper Than Beer

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Today CNN announced on their web site that heroin is cheaper than a six pack of beer.

We asked CNN Director Joe Conn what intention lies behind this announcement.

“Well, we’re just illustrating the changing economy in action. Apparently there is some link between high unemployment and low illegal drug prices. The main drawback to heroin is that you have to intravenously inject it and you bought it from a criminal. Not a good combination there, crime and medical procedures. We think all drugs should be legal, so you can pick up a six pack of heroin at Wal Mart or Target and not have to worry about whether or not you’re mainlining bird droppings or road tar. There’s a lot of potential tax revenue out there too. Considering that alcohol is legal and makes people crazy… drugs like heroin and marijuana should clearly be legalized. Would you rather be in a hotel room next to five college kids having a beer party or five college kids doing heroin? Totally different vibe, you know?”

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April 13, 2009 at 12:29 pm

Posted in Health, USA News

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