OMFG We Are All Gonna Die Of Swine Flu

Today CNN reported that we’re all gonna die of swine flu.

Real True Internet News spoke with World Health Organization Director General Dr. Margaret Chan through a triple layered sterile “bubble” after taking several hot chemical showers and an acid bath.

Dr. Chan: Yes, it is very bad. We are all going to die soon.

Real True Internet News: That’s it? No hope?

Dr. Chan: No hope. We all die.

RTIN: But this same thing happened in 1976 and it was no big deal.

Dr. Chan: Well, this time is different.

RTIN: How is it different?

Dr. Chan: Well, the swine flu virus is now much stronger than it was in 1976. Now, if you see a pig, you die. If you think about a pig, you die. You can catch the swine flu over the Internet even. There is no escape.

RTIN: But less than a thousandth of a percent of the USA population even has swine flu. We have about 300 million US citizens. Three million catching swine flu would be 1 percent of the population. 30,000 would be a HUNDREDTH of one percent. Not even 1/1000th of ONE PERCENT of the population has it. So how can it be this “pandemic” that you’re calling it?

Dr. Chan: You, you don’t argue with me. Everyone in the USA will be dead soon; and then everyone in the world.

RTIN: So why all the safety precautions like the chemical showers and sterile plastic bubble?

Dr. Chan: You’re right, it isn’t necessary. Come on out and have a ham sandwich.

Cylons Buy Mirage Las Vegas

MGM Mirage has announced the sale of their flagship Mirage Las Vegas resort (formerly a Steve Wynn property) to an undisclosed group of Cylon investors.

MGM Mirage CEO James Martian spoke to us in the waiting room of Happy Ending Reflexology Massage Spa.

“I always thought the Cylons were just science fiction characters like the Borg or Klingons. But about a month ago, an Aaron Doral and Brother John Cavil copy showed up in my office with a certified check for quite a large amount of money. The check cleared the bank and MGM Mirage really needed the money to save Project City Center, so we sold the Mirage to the Cylons. “The Cylons” sounds like a lot of people but it’s really only 7 or 8 people. There are many copies of each person. Plus a “final five.” It’s hard to explain. I’m not sure exactly who the new owners are. What’s important is that Project City Center will be completed on schedule.”

Home Operating Theater Helps Economy

Zonko Products Inc. Corp. today announced that their new product, the Home Operating Theater, will be available to consumers in mid-July. Real True Internet News met with CEO Joe Zonko this morning to get more details about the product. Such as, what a person can do with it.

Real True Internet News: So, Mr. Zonko, what exactly is the Home Operating Theater?

Zonko: This is a fully hospital compliant operating theater in every respect except for a slightly smaller size and lower power consumption.

RTIN: Some of our readers probably are not familiar with the term “operating theater.”

Zonko: Right. Well, it’s a table for doing surgery, high powered lights, electro encephalogram, X-Ray machine, mini MRI (magnetic resonance imaging, similar to X-Ray), full set of scalpels, retractors, gowns, surgical masks, gloves, all the stuff you need to do surgery.

RTIN: … so you’re saying, this is for doing surgery at home?

Zonko: Exactly. Over the past 10 or so years we’ve seen the media report that record numbers of bankruptcies are occurring – mainly due to medical bills. The Home Operating Theater (HOT) pays for itself after just one surgery. There are no bills for hospital stays because you’re not in a hospital. There is no bill for a surgeon or anesthesiologist because YOU are the surgeon or anesthesiologist. Or your wife or the dog or whoever. The average bill for a triple cardio bypass is well over $100,000 and the HOT only costs $89,999. We have an easy payment plan and free installation. And more important, we include step by step instructions for performing the most common types of surgeries, like coronary bypass and appendectomy. We also sell a $29 DVD about delivering babies.

RTIN: Doing your own surgery at home sounds like a great idea, except for the risk involved with letting unqualified people perform surgery.

Zonko: We’ve have zero fatalities so far during our beta testing. Complete instructions are included, so anyone can do the same thing a surgeon can do. Surgeons don’t have special magical hands or anything, you know? If you can draw a straight line you can make an incision. If you know how to use scissors and a needle and thread you can do all the same procedures a skilled surgeon can do.

RTIN: OK well thanks for explaining the HOT to us Mr. Zonko and we wish you luck.

Zonko: Thank you. We also have a small business version of the HOT coming out next year, for performing surgeries at work.

Heroin Cheaper Than Beer

Today CNN announced on their web site that heroin is cheaper than a six pack of beer.

We asked CNN Director Joe Conn what intention lies behind this announcement.

“Well, we’re just illustrating the changing economy in action. Apparently there is some link between high unemployment and low illegal drug prices. The main drawback to heroin is that you have to intravenously inject it and you bought it from a criminal. Not a good combination there, crime and medical procedures. We think all drugs should be legal, so you can pick up a six pack of heroin at Wal Mart or Target and not have to worry about whether or not you’re mainlining bird droppings or road tar. There’s a lot of potential tax revenue out there too. Considering that alcohol is legal and makes people crazy… drugs like heroin and marijuana should clearly be legalized. Would you rather be in a hotel room next to five college kids having a beer party or five college kids doing heroin? Totally different vibe, you know?”

ASUSTeK Computer Announces Merger With Jesus

ASUSTeK Computer Inc. announced yesterday that they are merging with Jesus Christ effective January 2010. Real True Internet News was not able to get in touch with a representative from ASUS (which is perhaps most well known for introducing the EEE PC netbook computer) but we were surprised to see Jesus show up for an interview as a disembodied voice.

Real True Internet News: So perhaps you can explain why the savior of humanity would merge with a high tech company.

Jesus: Certainly. For one thing, We felt it was time to update the image of Abrahamic religions. You’ve got these books that are thousands of years old, and barbaric customs like eating my flesh and drinking my blood, which need to be brought up to date. Secondly, the Catholic church is in very poor financial shape after all those lawsuits, so we’re going to become more vigorous in pursuing the acquisition of financial wealth.

RTIN: That makes sense. Now tell us about the new direction laptop computers will be taking?

Jesus: The company will become JAsus in January 2010 and introduce the new Holybook EEE PC. The Holybook will have constant, uninterrupted access to the Internet via the Heaven Network, and run forever with no power supply. Pricing will start at only $299.

RTIN: What kind of content is on Heaven Network?

Jesus: We have the typical chat rooms and discussion forums, weather forecast, that type of stuff, and JewTube is very popular. You do know that I am a Jew? All that Christianity nonsense started after I left. Anyway, Moses and I have quite a few videos on JewTube.

RTIN: Does God have a web site?

Jesus: God is all web sites.

RTIN: We always thought you were opposed to money.

Jesus: Well, I was for a long time. Things change.

RTIN: Thanks for talking to us!

Jesus: You’re welcome. And don’t forget to log on to http://www.jasus.com next year to order your Holybook.