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Archive for the ‘Financial News’ Category

Citibank Announces “Back to Basics” Campaign

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Citibank CEO Eduardo Dollaro announced the launch of Citibank’s “Back to Basics” campaign this morning.

Dollaro explained the new campaign to us via satellite telephone:

“Money, or more specifically, coins and currency, were introduced as a mode of exchange. For example, if I had 100 goats and you had 100 cows and I wanted to trade you my 100 goats for 500 pounds of sugar… no deal. All you have is cows, dairy products, leather and steaks. All I have is goats and feta cheese.

So we invent money. Now I can sell my goats for money and buy whatever I need with that money. Money is kind of a universal product. Or that was what it was supposed to be.

Over time, money became more of an intangible product, which was not the original intention. It was supposed to facilitate exchanges. It was not supposed to become a magical product that self replicates (which is what earning interest is.) It was not supposed to become a phantom that could be magically erased (as is the case with bankruptcies.)

After the recent bank collapses, Citibank decided to go back to basics. It’s a new strategy but it’s only new to us. This is actually the way things used to be before money existed.

Starting on July 1, 2009, anyone who deposits 10 goats into a Citibank savings account will get 11 goats back after 12 months. No other bank offers 10 percent interest on savings accounts.

We are also offering loans of goats, squirrel pelts, and salt. That’s for the northeastern USA though. In the south, our branches are accepting possums for deposit and offering loans in cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon, NASCAR DVDs and 12 gauge shotgun ammunition. In the southwest, snakeskin and cactus are the standards. On the west coast they’re trading in coffee, craft beer and marijuana (with an official medical card only).

We’re expecting all other financial institutions to follow suit shortly after we launch this campaign.”

Written by spamtrap

June 12, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Posted in Financial News

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All U.S. Businesses To Be Closed

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closed Due to the continued declining economy, financial expert Hugh Collins today told Real True Internet News that all businesses in the USA would be closed by 2010.

“It’s just basic math. The economy is declining in certain ways we can measure over time, and we can compare those measurements to the time span. Such as the number of businesses that file for bankruptcy per day, the decreases in revenue specific businesses have experienced, and so on.

According to my calculations, all US businesses will go out of business by October 2010 at the latest. There will be a lot of mergers in early 2010 among the strongest left standing – I expect McDonalds and Starbucks to merge, I expect all fast food chains to merge, I expect all gas stations to merge – but in the end they will all go under.”

We asked Collins what will happen to the United States if all businesses go out of business. Where will people buy food or clothing and other essentials?

I expect we’ll initially go back to a state of anarchy where the most well armed and charismatic leaders will assemble armies to take what they want. When there’s nothing left to take then the leaders will be overthrown by a manufacturing revolution where artisans, farmers, and others who know how to manufacture products will rise to power. The barter system will work for awhile then a new kind of currency will be introduced, probably by 2020. By 2050 we’ll be back to pretty much the same place we are now.”

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January 14, 2009 at 11:02 am

Posted in Financial News, USA News

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Regulators Say Bailout Plan is Working

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paulson_bernanke Today, regulators said the bailout plan is working. Those “regulators” would be Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke.

With the stock market hovering in the low 8000’s (shortly after reaching a high of over 14000), unemployment on the rise, and a flurry of corporate bankruptcies and other tales of woe; Real True Internet News asked Bernanke to explain how the bailout plan is working.

“Well, I haven’t had this job very long; having recently replaced Greenspan who was basically the “God of finance” for many years. So the bailout plan has to work. I can’t be complicit in a $700 billion mistake. The bailout plan is working and will continue to work. I have no further comments.”

We didn’t like that answer so we then called Paulson on his cell phone to pose the same question.

“As a lifelong Republican, my duty is to make sure the bailout plan works as long as President Bush is in office. After January 20, I don’t care. Then it’s Obama’s problem. And whoever the new Treasury Secretary is at that time, the poor sucker. I mean, I’m sure Obama will select the best person for the job but they have a difficult job ahead of them. The bailout plan is working wonderfully. I have no further comments.”

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November 18, 2008 at 11:03 am

Bailout Plan Rejected

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The US House of Representatives has rejected the much talked about $700 billion bailout plan that was intended to save failing businesses at taxpayers’ expense.

Real True Internet News was on the House floor interviewing some of the representatives who had just voted against the bailout.

“My cousin Vinny in Brooklyn lost his job a few months ago and is now homeless. Nobody bailed him out. If government won’t bail out a citizen who only needs maybe $5,000 to get back on his feet, why the heck should we give $700,000,000,000 to corrupt financial institutions? It’s absurd. You could find 700,000 homeless people and give them each a million dollars instead. If you want to stimulate the economy, that’s the right way to do it. Cut loose 700,000 new millionaires who’ve been eating out of trash cans.”

“I say let the financial institutions collapse. Let the stock markets crash. Who needs them? You can’t eat a 50 dollar bill or 10 shares of DuPont.”

“This bailout would have cost each American taxpayer $4,830. Taxpayers who earn maybe $25,000 to $50,000 per year. While the businesses being bailed out have been paying their top level executives millions of dollars per year. Let them bail themselves out. They can afford it.”

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September 29, 2008 at 11:53 am

Posted in Financial News, USA News

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Dow Loses 395 Points

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Today marks the largest one day point loss in 15 months for the Dow Industrial Average.

Real True Internet News asked actor and financial expert Harvey Keitel for his opinion.

“The value of stocks has traditionally been on the positive side of zero. As we know, only 50 percent of numbers are higher than zero while the other half are lower than zero. Therefore, I predict that the Dow will drop into negative numbers fairly soon. This will create a lucrative market where instead of paying for stock, companies will pay investors to take ownership in shares of stock. That’s how negative value works. It’s like a pile of dog poop, nobody would pay for it; but you could pay a guy to haul it away. I predict there will be a one day frenzy of this inverse buying which will spark a record volume of trading followed by a quick recovery of the market.”

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June 6, 2008 at 8:59 pm

Posted in Financial News, USA News

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