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Archive for the ‘Entertainment News’ Category

Michael Jackson is Still Dead

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michael_jackson Various news sources and media outlets are reporting that Michael Jackson is still dead.

Michael’s sister Janet Jackson contacted Real True Internet News today to report her suspicions that he may not be dead.

Michael was the King of Pop, you know? And he had magic power. How else could he get away with being a grown man who hangs out with children in his own private amusement park for all those years? The jurors at his trial said yeah he’s a pedophile but NOT GUILTY of these specific charges! You have to have magic power to get away with some shit like that, you know, basically caught with your pants down. So I think Michael is still alive. It’s some kind of supernatural paranormal stuff. The secret might be in his album Thriller.


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July 1, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Las Vegas Reproduction Built on Jupiter

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Las Vegas strip aerial view

Las Vegas strip aerial view

Today, Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman announced that a top secret project started in 2003 has been completed… a highly detailed replica of Las Vegas has been constructed on the planet Jupiter. We wouldn’t have believed this story at all had we not seen photographs of the project, as shown to the left.

Mayor Goodman left us a voice mail message in response to our inquiries. (We left him a few voice mail messages asking why a reproduction of Las Vegas was constructed in such a remote and uninhabitable location such as Jupiter.)

“You have to understand that when a person or corporation has more money than they know what to do with, they can’t just keep doing what they’ve been doing. Steve Wynn started planning his ultimate fantasy project (the Wynn resort) in 2002 and it ended up costing only $2.7 billion. What’s a trillionaire to do? Yeah, he threw a few more billion into Encore at Wynn, which opened late last year… but his real dream project was Jupiter. Steve and a few other investors launched Project Jupiter in 2003. This is an exact copy of the Las Vegas strip from Mandalay Bay on the south end to the Stratosphere at the north end, and also includes the nearby off-strip resorts like the Hard Rock and Palms. It’s an exact copy except for the people, of course. If a person could be transported instantly to Jupiter they’d die within about a millisecond due to the poisonous atmosphere, subzero temperatures, and incredible gravity. I’d weigh about 2 tons on Jupiter. The gravity was the biggest problem on this project – special materials had to be used to prevent the buildings from collapsing. It was all built by giant robotic cranes and robotic construction crews. After they finish the bubble dome over the reproduction that will let them create an Earth-like atmosphere and artificial Earth-like gravity, they’ll launch the Jupiter Junket space flight packages. Round trip spacefare and 2 nights in the hotel of your choice will run about $40 million and it also takes about 10 years to get there and 10 years to get back; but the suspended animation option makes it feel like about a 2 day trip. No big deal. The most interesting thing about this project is that no laws exist on Jupiter. It could end up being a haven for blackjack card counters, prostitutes, drug dealers, and casino cheats. We’ll see what happens.”

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May 1, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Cylons Buy Mirage Las Vegas

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mirage MGM Mirage has announced the sale of their flagship Mirage Las Vegas resort (formerly a Steve Wynn property) to an undisclosed group of Cylon investors.

MGM Mirage CEO James Martian spoke to us in the waiting room of Happy Ending Reflexology Massage Spa.

“I always thought the Cylons were just science fiction characters like the Borg or Klingons. But about a month ago, an Aaron Doral and Brother John Cavil copy showed up in my office with a certified check for quite a large amount of money. The check cleared the bank and MGM Mirage really needed the money to save Project City Center, so we sold the Mirage to the Cylons. “The Cylons” sounds like a lot of people but it’s really only 7 or 8 people. There are many copies of each person. Plus a “final five.” It’s hard to explain. I’m not sure exactly who the new owners are. What’s important is that Project City Center will be completed on schedule.”

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April 17, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Posted in Entertainment News, USA News

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CNN To Cover Icelandic Politics

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CNN launched its new format today with the story First gay premier takes helm in Iceland.

Real True Internet News interviewed CNN’s director, Joe Conn, today via telephone.

RTIN: We were told that CNN has switched over to a new format today.

Conn: Yes.

RTIN: … can you tell us more about it?

Conn: Oh. OK. Well, ever since Obama was elected president, we’ve been at kind of a loss about what events to report on. Reporting on Election 2008 was like having a Super Bowl every day for about 3 months. Then suddenly it’s all over and we’re picking up stories from the AP wire like everyone else.

RTIN: So you introduced this new format, which is…

Conn: Well, we’re now a 24 hour Icelandic politics station. Obama vs. McCain was nothing compared to Icelandic politics. They’re very dramatic and passionate about their politics over there. People may think they’re not interested in Icelandic politics, but after just 10 or 15 minutes of watching, you’ll be hooked.

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February 1, 2009 at 10:49 am

McCain Concedes Election

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In an unprecedented surprise announcement today, Senator John McCain has stated that he concedes the Election 2008 contest for President of the United States.

Real True Internet News attended a party at Senator McCain’s ranch in Arizona Saturday night to watch Governor Palin’s performance on NBC’s Saturday Night Live and listen to McCain’s concession speech.

Obama is so far ahead in the polls that I decided to save myself the embarrassment of losing the election in a landslide. By conceding, instead of going down in history as a loser, people will have to wonder “well maybe he would have won if he hadn’t conceded.” Right?

I feel good about this campaign. While I won’t become President, I did help an unknown middle class mother from a small town in Alaska work her way into a guest appearance on Saturday Night Live. Governor Palin has a bright future ahead, thanks to me. She’ll surely be getting book and movie deals, appearing on all the talk shows, and NBC is considering asking her to be a regular cast member on SNL. Hugh Hefner has shown some interest in taking her on as a fourth girlfriend.

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October 19, 2008 at 11:18 am

Courtesy Class with Ricky Roma

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Real True Internet News has discovered that Ricky Roma (formerly of Premier Properties) is now offering a courtesy class for real estate professionals. We contacted Roma at his office today to get more details.

“Ever since the Glengarry leads were stolen about 15 years ago, Premier Properties has gone downhill. So I quit about five years ago and started this courtesy class for real estate professionals. It’s $750 for three four hour classes spread across three days. Three business days, you don’t count Saturday.”

We asked Roma for some examples of what he teaches in class.

“Well, I take examples from real life. Like this one time I was speaking with one of my associates at the time, Sheldon Levene”:

Ricky Roma: How was her crumbcake?
Shelley Levene: Hmm? Oh… from the store.
Ricky Roma: F*ck her.

“See how easy that is? You make an inquiry to show interest; then halt the discussion of the subject quickly and effectively by displaying an appropriate level of courtesy. Here’s another example, this is from the time the office manager Williamson blew one of my sales:”

“You stupid f*cking c*nt. You, Williamson, I’m talking to you, sh!thead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That’s right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, @sshole? You’re f*cking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid f*cking c*nt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men? Oh, I’m gonna have your job, sh!thead.”
“See? That’s courtesy in action.”

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August 5, 2008 at 9:43 am

80 Year Old Stripper

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We found this story about an 80 year old stripper, Tempest Storm, on CNN. What? Did Obama take a nap? Bush go on vacation? Al Queda convert to Scientology?

Well, however lazy those other news sites become, the Real True Internet News remains dedicated to reporting the REAL TRUE news to you, via the Internet. So we sent our Las Vegas correspondent to ask Ms. Storm: who wants to watch an 80 year old stripper?

“Actually, nobody. So what I do is a reverse strip. I walk out onto the stage naked carrying a pile of clothes, and the more tips I get, the faster I get dressed. They all yell “PUT IT ON!” at me instead of “TAKE IT OFF!” I made $700 last night. So I’m not really a stripper… I guess I should be called a dresser.”

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July 14, 2008 at 5:51 pm

Posted in Entertainment News, USA News

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