The Real True Internet News

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Archive for September 2008

Bailout Plan Rejected

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The US House of Representatives has rejected the much talked about $700 billion bailout plan that was intended to save failing businesses at taxpayers’ expense.

Real True Internet News was on the House floor interviewing some of the representatives who had just voted against the bailout.

“My cousin Vinny in Brooklyn lost his job a few months ago and is now homeless. Nobody bailed him out. If government won’t bail out a citizen who only needs maybe $5,000 to get back on his feet, why the heck should we give $700,000,000,000 to corrupt financial institutions? It’s absurd. You could find 700,000 homeless people and give them each a million dollars instead. If you want to stimulate the economy, that’s the right way to do it. Cut loose 700,000 new millionaires who’ve been eating out of trash cans.”

“I say let the financial institutions collapse. Let the stock markets crash. Who needs them? You can’t eat a 50 dollar bill or 10 shares of DuPont.”

“This bailout would have cost each American taxpayer $4,830. Taxpayers who earn maybe $25,000 to $50,000 per year. While the businesses being bailed out have been paying their top level executives millions of dollars per year. Let them bail themselves out. They can afford it.”

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Written by spamtrap

September 29, 2008 at 11:53 am

Posted in Financial News, USA News

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Mickey Mouse Identified as a “Soldier of Satan”

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The Fox News headline reads: Saudi cleric says Mickey Mouse must die.

Sheikh Muhammad Munajid stated that the beloved Disney cartoon character is a soldier of Satan and should be killed in accordance with Islamic law.

Real True Internet News contacted Munajid this morning to inquire as to how a fictitious character poses a threat to anyone.

“Well, you infidels think Allah is a fictitious character, and you felt his glory on September 11, 2001. While you think Mickey Mouse is fictitious, we can feel his evil at work in the nations of Islam in the same way that you felt the power of Allah on 9/11. Mickey Mouse is responsible for nearly all bad things that happen to Muslim people. Disease, death, poverty, all that stuff. It’s his fault and I will kill him. I have prayed to Allah and He has given me many magical spells and weapons to use in accomplishing Jihad against Mickey Mouse. You will soon see.”

Written by spamtrap

September 19, 2008 at 4:35 pm

Mom Gets Life Sentence for Microwaving Baby

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USA Today reports mom gets life in prison for microwaving baby.

We thought this was some kind of sick joke being perpetrated by USA Today, but it’s not. Real True Internet News sent our Dayton, Ohio correspondent to visit 28 year old China Arnold in jail after she received her life sentence.

“I don’t know nothing about taking care of no baby. I put stuff in the microwave all the time to heat it up, so when my baby was acting all bothered by the cold, I put her in the microwave to warm up. Wasn’t supposed to kill her. Well now I know, don’t put babies in a microwave. I don’t deserve life in prison for a stupid mistake.”

Written by spamtrap

September 8, 2008 at 2:10 pm

Posted in USA News

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McCain Hints He Will Vote for Obama

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It may have come as a surprise to many of us to hear McCain speaking about change during the Republican National Convention. Real True Internet News chatted with Senator Obama via Yahoo! Instant Messenger to get his perspective.

“Yeah, Senator McCain is now all of a sudden talking about change, after I’ve been using it as my main platform all year. At first I was a little ticked off but then I realized… McCain must be implying that he’s going to vote for ME, if he’s promising change. Nothing else would make any sense.”

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September 6, 2008 at 4:05 pm

Posted in USA Politics

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Sarah Palin’s Daughter to Have an Abortion?

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Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s (who is fiercely anti-abortion) 17 year old daughter is pregnant.

Real True Internet News wondered if she might have an abortion. We contacted Palin’s public relations manager, Wendy Hawk, this morning.

It’s a well known fact that Governor Palin is strictly against abortion, so I don’t think her own daughter would dare participate in such folly as to have that procedure performed. However, this is politics and politicians do change their minds. Coming out as pro-abortion could gain Palin some support from the Hillary Clinton fans who want to see a woman in the White House but are pro-abortion.

We then asked Hawk for her views on abortion.

Both sides on the abortion issue are right. No, wait, I mean… uhhh, it depends on what happens later. No comment. I’m not at liberty to say. No, I’ll stick with my original comment. Both sides are right.

Written by spamtrap

September 2, 2008 at 8:53 am