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Archive for June 2009

Real True Internet News Interviews President of Iran

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ahmadinejad Real True Internet News was granted an interview with Iranian president Mahmoo Fukmadinejad

Ahmadinejad: That’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

RTIN: Sorry…. umm, we were granted an interview with Iranian president Mahmoud Fagmadinejad after being flown to Iran in a private jet

Ahmadinejad: That’s AHMADINEJAD.

RTIN: Sorry, right. OK. So, President Suckmydad, were you

Ahmadinejad: It’s AHMADINEJAD. Don’t make me tell you again or you will be very sorry.

RTIN: Sorry. OK, Mister President…

Ahmadinejad: That’s better.

RTIN: So… how did you win re-election so quickly and easily?

Ahmadinejad: It is the will of Allah. Also, I read “Mein Kampf” and have adapted the teachings of Adolf Hitler. His methods were radical but effective.

RTIN: But Hitler was a raving, murderous lunatic.

Ahmadinejad: Yes, I admire him very much and would like to be just like him.

RTIN: You want to commit suicide after US forces defeat your military?

Ahmadinejad: No, of course not. I said I want to BE just like him. Not end up like he ended up. What is your name anyway?

RTIN: I’m, uhhh, umm, Kareem…. uhh, Abdul Jabbar.

Ahmadinejad: Good. That is a good Muslim name. Now what were we talking about?

RTIN: The election.

Ahmadinejad: Oh yes. I won the election by a huge margin. The people of Iran love me.

RTIN: I’ve seen them partying in the streets recently.

Ahmadinejad: Yes, they are filled with joy.

RTIN: President Hamgonadinajar, what is (ARGGGHHH)

Written by spamtrap

June 27, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Posted in World News

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Citibank Announces “Back to Basics” Campaign

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Citibank CEO Eduardo Dollaro announced the launch of Citibank’s “Back to Basics” campaign this morning.

Dollaro explained the new campaign to us via satellite telephone:

“Money, or more specifically, coins and currency, were introduced as a mode of exchange. For example, if I had 100 goats and you had 100 cows and I wanted to trade you my 100 goats for 500 pounds of sugar… no deal. All you have is cows, dairy products, leather and steaks. All I have is goats and feta cheese.

So we invent money. Now I can sell my goats for money and buy whatever I need with that money. Money is kind of a universal product. Or that was what it was supposed to be.

Over time, money became more of an intangible product, which was not the original intention. It was supposed to facilitate exchanges. It was not supposed to become a magical product that self replicates (which is what earning interest is.) It was not supposed to become a phantom that could be magically erased (as is the case with bankruptcies.)

After the recent bank collapses, Citibank decided to go back to basics. It’s a new strategy but it’s only new to us. This is actually the way things used to be before money existed.

Starting on July 1, 2009, anyone who deposits 10 goats into a Citibank savings account will get 11 goats back after 12 months. No other bank offers 10 percent interest on savings accounts.

We are also offering loans of goats, squirrel pelts, and salt. That’s for the northeastern USA though. In the south, our branches are accepting possums for deposit and offering loans in cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon, NASCAR DVDs and 12 gauge shotgun ammunition. In the southwest, snakeskin and cactus are the standards. On the west coast they’re trading in coffee, craft beer and marijuana (with an official medical card only).

We’re expecting all other financial institutions to follow suit shortly after we launch this campaign.”

Written by spamtrap

June 12, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Posted in Financial News

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