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Archive for June 2008

Mini-Me Sues Over Sex Tape Sale

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Our second favorite news site CNN has once again provided us with a sex scandal headline: ‘Mini-Me’ sues over sex tape sale.

We here at Real True Internet News think that we’re pretty funny; but we rarely come up with headlines that are as humorous as those provided by CNN.

Anyway. Actor Vern Troyer (famous for his role as Mini-Me in Austin Powers in Goldmember) is suing the web site for $20 million over the online posting of a sex video (a clip is currently on You Tube but probably won’t last long.)

Sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider called Real True Internet News to insist that Austin Powers star Vern Troyer is “proportionate” for a man of 2 ft 8 in… when Troyer grabbed the phone from her.

“Size isn’t the issue. No. The reason I’m suing is that, by posting this video they did not have permission to post, divulged sex secrets I personally developed for my own personal use. My sexual techniques are worth a lot of money. In 1993, Jerry Seinfeld paid me $50,000 to explain my “Venus Butterfly” technique to him, then another $150,000 to let him use it as a topic on an episode of his show. Porn star Ron Jeremy paid me $10,000 in 1997 to reveal my “Power Thrust” technique. Just a few months ago Madonna paid me $25,000 to demonstrate my “Flying Mount” maneuver. All this is in the video and now it’s out there and I’ve lost a good income stream. So I’ll be seeing in court.”


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June 30, 2008 at 3:18 pm

Posted in Entertainment News, USA News

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Scientists About to Destroy the World

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When the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest atom smasher, is turned on in August 2008; some people believe it may result in a cataclysm like creating a black hole that will swallow the earth or opening a time space portal to the Borg empire.

Walter L. Wagner, a physicist and lawyer, said Wednesday CERN’s safety report, released June 20, “has several major flaws,” and his views on the risks of using the particle accelerator had not changed. Wagner stated that the device could allow the Borg to “warp” into our system and assimilate the human race.

“You know what they say, resistance is futile. The Borg are some mean mofo’s. You think that guy with a Bluetooth headset looks weird, wait until the Borg replace your eyes and strap a supercomputer to your skull.”

Physicist Martin Rees has estimated the chance of an accelerator producing a portal for the Borg at one in 50 million.

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June 30, 2008 at 9:46 am

Malaysian Opposition Leader Accused of Sodomy

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Real True Internet News loves finding this kind of sensational headline. As CNN reports, Malaysian opposition leader accused of sodomy.

Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim took refuge Sunday at the Turkish Embassy after police began probing an allegation that he sodomized his male aide. (They said “PROBING”, heh heh.)

Ibrahim has a past history of this behavior as well: But it all unraveled in 1998 when he was accused of sodomizing his driver and abusing his power to cover up the deed.

The CNN article also points out that sodomy, even if consensual, is punishable by 20 years’ imprisonment in Muslim-majority Malaysia. So apparently the issue is not one of forcible rape but rather sexual preference.

To clarify, Real True Internet News contacted Ibrahim via the Turkish Embassy satellite telephone.

“Actually it is all your fault. I have Internet access. On May 13, 2008 I read the Real True Internet News article titled Al Queda Operative Reveals Training Techniques and was fascinated with the idea of sodomizing a chicken, as mentioned in the article. So I sodomized a chicken and then went on what you might call a “sodomy spree.” My attorney has advised me to consider a lawsuit against Real True Internet News for causing me this temporary insanity.”

Lt. Jim Dangle, legal consultant to The Real True Internet News, stated that we “have nothing to worry about since sodomy is legal in the United States.”

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June 29, 2008 at 12:06 pm

Posted in World News

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Dubai to Build Shape Shifting Skyscraper

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CNN continues to pull our legs with this story of a shape shifting skyscraper.

Real True Internet News contacted the alleged architect, David Fisher, to find out if this is true.

“Yes it is true. Dubai is one of the wealthiest nations in the world, so they presented my company with the challenge of building a 420 meter tower (I wonder why they chose 420?) at the highest cost possible. I asked “Don’t you mean the LOWEST possible cost?” and they said no, the HIGHEST possible cost. I was told that they have so much money they don’t know what to do with it, and they’re looking for ways to increase frivolous spending. I suggested several possibilities including an underwater tower and a flying tower which hovers above the ground. Stuff that hasn’t been done in Las Vegas yet. Then they said not just to spend as much as possible but make the structure in such a way that people won’t mind going into it. So we finally agreed on this idea of building a tower with floors that independently rotate like carousels. It should be fun.”

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June 25, 2008 at 6:06 pm

Obama Accused of Distorting the Bible

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CNN is providing much entertainment for the staff of Real True Internet News today and we have to wonder if they think today is April Fool’s Day. Their latest story involves some kind of accusation made against Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama about distorting the Bible. From CNN:

In comments to be aired on his radio show Tuesday, Focus on the Family founder James Dobson criticizes the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee for comments he made in a June 2006 speech to the liberal Christian group Call to Renewal.

In the speech, Obama suggested that it would be impractical to govern based solely on the word of the Bible, noting that some passages suggest slavery is permissible and eating shellfish is disgraceful.

Real True Internet News would also like to point out the following excerpts from the Bible:

Leviticus 5 discusses how to properly sacrifice birds:

7 And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering.

8 And he shall bring them unto the priest, who shall offer that which is for the sin offering first, and wring off his head from his neck, but shall not divide it asunder:

9 And he shall sprinkle of the blood of the sin offering upon the side of the altar; and the rest of the blood shall be wrung out at the bottom of the altar: it is a sin offering.

Numbers 31 discusses what to do with captured enemies:

17 Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.

18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Deuteronomy 25 suggests amputation as a punishment when wives argue with their husbands:

11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:

12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

Real True Internet News officially takes the position that Obama is 100% right to keep this silly book out of politics.

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June 24, 2008 at 3:05 pm

Pirates Take Four European Tourists Hostage

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CNN reports that the Pirates have taken four European tourists hostage. Real True Internet News placed several phone calls to Pirates management to clarify the situation but they hung up on us each time; so we showed up at the Pirates locker room where we found pitcher Lyle Hand willing to talk.

“I haven’t heard anything about it. We need some good infielders but I don’t know what we’d do with four European tourists. Maybe plant them in the spectator stands to cheer for us?”

Real True Internet News will continue its investigation to seek the truth. Meanwhile, we can’t help but wonder if CNN is just wrong?

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June 24, 2008 at 9:20 am

George Carlin Goes On Secret Mission To Find Bin-Laden

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Real True Internet News learned today that George Carlin is going on a secret mission to find Osama Bin-Laden in the Afghanistan area. Carlin called us from a cell phone during his 12 hour flight today.

“The “OFFICIAL” story is that I’m dead. But I’m really going undercover on a secret government mission to find Bin-Laden. Nobody is going to believe your ridiculous “Real True Internet News” site so there’s no worry about my cover being blown. I already grew a beard and everything.

About a week ago I decided that 6 years and 9 months has been long enough for this lunatic to be on the loose, so I took it upon myself to go find him since the entire coalition military can’t find him. I think that one guy can be more effective than a bunch of guys. Right? It’s less conspicuous.

When I find Bin-Laden I’m going to tell him jokes until he dies laughing. I memorized them in Arabic just in case he doesn’t know English. I heard that he hangs out at a strip club in Kabul and I expect to find him pretty easily.”

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June 23, 2008 at 10:11 am

Posted in Terrorism, World News

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