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Archive for May 2008

Former White House Press Secretary Disappears

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Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan mysteriously disappeared shortly after agreeing to testify before the House Judiciary Committee.

McClellan claimed to have knowledge about several issues which might implicate the Bush administration in wrongdoing.

Real True Internet News spoke with Mrs. McClellan briefly today.

“Scott was so excited about his new book and all the media attention. He kept saying how he was going to “tear Bush a new asshole” when he testified. But he went out to mow the lawn at around 11 this morning and I haven’t seen him since. There were some black helicopters flying around at the time but they all said “TV Traffic News” on the side. I hope Scott is OK.”

Written by spamtrap

May 30, 2008 at 11:21 pm

Posted in USA News, USA Politics

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New Financial Product Eases Gas Woes

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Several financial companies who previously specialized in home mortgage loans are now targeting high gas prices as a new business opportunity.

“Real estate loans have traditionally been beneficial to consumers because the value of real estate typically increases at the same or higher rate than the interest rate of the loan; so you make money in the long run. Car loans, on the other hand, are less of a benefit since autos depreciate at the same time you’re paying interest on the loan; so you end up losing money. Now that gasoline is appreciating at about the same rate as real estate, it’s become a viable product to offer loans for.”

Joe Mobile of Provincial Financial Services explained how his company will offer financing and storage that will help consumers stretch their gas dollars.

“Imagine if you’d bought 10,000 gallons of gas when it was 99 cents a gallon. That was about 6 years ago so you’d probably have about 5,000 gallons left at a cost to you of about $5,000 whereas today the same amount of gas costs close to $20,000. It’s a no brainer. The product increased 400% in value and our interest rate is 10%.

We’re offering 10 year, 20 year, and 30 year payment plans that come with your own miniature gas station which fits in any driveway, and installation of 10,000 to 50,000 gallon underground storage tanks. Our fee for the gas station and storage tank installation starts at $6,500 which is a bargain when you consider the gas you buy today at around $4 per gallon will be worth about $20 per gallon in a few years.”

Written by spamtrap

May 27, 2008 at 9:29 pm

Posted in USA News

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NASA Probe Lands On Mars

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“We didn’t expect to find a dilapidated McDonald’s and Volkswagen bug on Mars, but, there they are.”

The Mars Phoenix Lander completed a 296 day journey to Mars today and sent back images. Contrary to the red-tinged desert-like landscape NASA expected, the photos sent back revealed a somewhat earth-like appearance.

“Yeah, they have Taco Bell, KFC, gas stations, shopping malls, schools, parks. It looks a lot like Los Angeles. Real estate and gas are about double the price of Earth though, so we don’t think we’ll be establishing any trade relations with Mars.”

Written by spamtrap

May 26, 2008 at 2:49 am

Posted in World News

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Polygamy Ranch Vacation Packages

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Eldorado Ranch of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, made famous in the media by recent stories involving the removal and return of over 400 children, is now offering vacation packages to raise funds.

Sister Wife Madeline told Real True Internet News about the vacation packages.

“We obtained a volume discount from the airlines and hastily constructed a makeshift hotel on the Ranch property so we can offer vacation packages to anyone who wishes to experience the pleasures of our so-called “polygamy ranch” firsthand. An influx of tourists will not only help us pay our legal expenses but may offer us the opportunity to breed with folks from outside our gene pool. The DNA test results of the children revealed that they all have the same DNA. So we could use some variety.”

The Polygamy Ranch Vacation web site lists packages starting at $129 per night including 3 meals and transportation by donkey drawn cart from the airstrip. The Ranch Hotel has a dining room, maid service, dry cleaning service, and swimming hole.

Written by spamtrap

May 23, 2008 at 11:26 pm

Posted in Religion, USA News

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Ex Soldier Gets TV Deal

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The soldier made famous recently in the video of him allegedly tossing a puppy over a cliff has signed a 3 year contract for a new TV show. Production will begin after he is released from military prison.

“So yeah I’m the star of the show. It’s a sitcom and each episode is written in such a way as to incorporate me throwing a small animal from a high place as a critical plot point. I’ve seen some of the scripts. In one episode I throw a hamster off the roof of a hotel. In another episode I throw a bunny off a bridge. It’s gonna be a really good show.”

Written by spamtrap

May 22, 2008 at 4:41 pm

Obama Loses Kentucky

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“I have a large United States map on the wall in my office… and the state of Kentucky just disappeared. It seems to have been absorbed by the bordering states.”

Senator Barack Obama today reported to Real True Internet News that he has lost Kentucky… it vanished from his official U.S. Senate map which he displays in his office. Real True Internet News reminded him that the media intends “losing Kentucky” to explain his loss to Hillary Clinton in the Democratic contest for presidential nominee in the state of Kentucky.

“Well  yeah, of course I know about that. But this other thing happened too.”

Written by spamtrap

May 22, 2008 at 3:16 am

Posted in USA News, USA Politics

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Al Queda Claims Responsibility for Kennedy Tumor

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“I just wave my hand like this – and BAM! You have malignant tumor. BAM! You have lung cancer. BAM! You have missing bladder. BAM! You have bad headache. The power of Allah flows through my fingers.”

An Al Queda operative who would only identify himself as “Akbar Smith” today claimed responsibility for causing the malignant tumor recently discovered in Senator Ted Kennedy.

“You remember James Brown? Anna Nicole Smith? Heath Ledger? Eddy Arnold? I killed them. I just wave my hand like this – and BAM!”

Real True Internet News asked Akbar to provide a demonstration of his power.

“I do not kill indiscriminately. I only kill those who Allah commands me to kill. You are lucky today, you are not on the list.”

Written by spamtrap

May 20, 2008 at 8:29 pm

Posted in Religion, Terrorism, USA News, World News

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