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Archive for November 2008

Regulators Say Bailout Plan is Working

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paulson_bernanke Today, regulators said the bailout plan is working. Those “regulators” would be Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke.

With the stock market hovering in the low 8000’s (shortly after reaching a high of over 14000), unemployment on the rise, and a flurry of corporate bankruptcies and other tales of woe; Real True Internet News asked Bernanke to explain how the bailout plan is working.

“Well, I haven’t had this job very long; having recently replaced Greenspan who was basically the “God of finance” for many years. So the bailout plan has to work. I can’t be complicit in a $700 billion mistake. The bailout plan is working and will continue to work. I have no further comments.”

We didn’t like that answer so we then called Paulson on his cell phone to pose the same question.

“As a lifelong Republican, my duty is to make sure the bailout plan works as long as President Bush is in office. After January 20, I don’t care. Then it’s Obama’s problem. And whoever the new Treasury Secretary is at that time, the poor sucker. I mean, I’m sure Obama will select the best person for the job but they have a difficult job ahead of them. The bailout plan is working wonderfully. I have no further comments.”


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November 18, 2008 at 11:03 am

McDonald’s Sues McCain

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ronaldmcdonaldjohnmccain Today McDonald’s Corporation notified Republican Senator John McCain of their intent to sue over his use of the phrase “the Mac is back” during his Presidential campaign.

McCain’s attorneys are calling the suit frivolous since the use of the phrase was noncommercial and additionally had nothing to do with McDonald’s.

McDonald’s legal department, however, has a different opinion.

“The McDonald’s Big Mac is a classic and famous American sandwich which Senator McCain used to his advantage. We charge Senator McCain with stealing the goodwill of McDonald’s in order to promote his own agenda, that being to attain the office of President of the United States. Although the office is political, there is also a salary paid so we see the use as commercial and therefore a violation of McDonald’s Corporation’s intellectual property; specifically, the Big Mac brand name.”

Damages in excess of $50 million are being sought.

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November 14, 2008 at 5:43 pm

Bush Refuses to Leave White House

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obama_bush During a heavily publicized “secret meeting”, President Bush and President Elect Obama were thought to be discussing the upcoming transfer of power which will occur on January 20, 2009.

Real True Internet News has learned from an anonymous White House source who overheard some of the discussion between Bush and Obama, that this was not the case.

Our source reports: “President Bush was not discussing a transfer of power at all. Instead he was trying to convince Obama to act as a “puppet” while Bush would secretly remain in power. His plan was to have Barack and Michelle move into the White House guest room while George and Laura would maintain their current living arrangements; although they would make a show of pretending to move out of the White House. Obama had a good laugh; thinking this was all a fantastic joke. Which it was, except that Bush was serious. Being the diplomat that he is, Obama quickly changed the subject of discussion and asked President Bush to tell him about famous Texans. After about an hour, Bush seemed to have forgotten the original topic of discussion. There is still some concern, however.”

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November 11, 2008 at 9:17 am

Biden & Palin Hijack Each Other’s Rallies

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In a bizarre mix up the day before Election 2008, Barack Obama’s running mate Joe Biden showed up at a Sarah Palin rally in Ohio while at the same time, John McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin showed up at a Joe Biden rally in Virginia.

Real True Internet News held a conference call with Biden and Palin as they were en route to the correct rallies.

Biden: Usually I’m speaking to an audience full of Obama-Biden supporters. This time I had an audience full of McCain-Palin supporters. Rather than back out of it I took the opportunity to speak directly to these voters about why Barack Obama is a better choice than John McCain as our country’s next president.

Palin: I was just so mixed up. I thought I got on the wrong plane. I was busy doing my hair and someone handed me a list of rallies to go to and it was the wrong list. They gave me Joe Biden’s itinerary and gave him mine. Senator Obama has a habit of pulling sneaky pranks like that.

Biden: We did get the wrong lists of rallies to attend, but it was a McCain staffer who caused the mixup.

Palin: Was not.

Biden: Was too.

Palin: Anyway. We’re landing in Kentucky now. I mean West Kentucky. No, wait, it’s Phoenix, Illinois. I don’t know where I am but I have to buy a new outfit then get a manicure before I get out there. I hope it’s the right rally this time.

Biden: Thank you, Sarah. Good luck on the campaign trail and don’t forget to vote.

Palin: As you know, Senator Biden, Alaskan citizens are not allowed to vote. But thank you for your concern.

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November 3, 2008 at 12:53 pm

Posted in USA Politics

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11 Show Up For Tampa McCain Rally

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A last minute John McCain rally at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida drew an audience of 11 people today. McCain has apparently changed his mind about conceding the election, as previously reported here.

Real True Internet News was there to speak to Senator McCain after the rally.

“Those 11 people are actually 1,100 people because each one of them promised to get me 100 votes tomorrow. When President Obama and I look back… I mean, Senator Obama…. when we look back on this campaign, we’ll see how important these small gatherings were. I reached out across the aisle to share a hot dog and beer with the janitors working in the stadium.”

Real True Internet News officially extends an offer to Senator McCain to come on board as a political commentator if he loses the election.

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November 3, 2008 at 10:47 am

Posted in USA Politics

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