The Real True Internet News

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Archive for August 2008

Soprano Family Funeral Home

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That’s right, after my TV show ended I went legit. Opened a funeral home. I’m still in waste management too, I kind of combined the professions. I make much more income from the funeral business though. Soprano Family Funeral Home offers an unprecedented $49.95 full funeral and burial special. That’s about a thousand dollars cheaper than the cheapest funeral anyone else offers. We have a 5 minute service, you can add pizza and beer for $25, then we put you in a cardboard refrigerator box and dump you at the main landfill in Paramus, New Jersey. I mean, you’re dead, what the f*ck do you expect?


Written by spamtrap

August 31, 2008 at 9:57 am

Posted in USA News

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Communications Problems Causing Flight Delays Throughout USA

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CNN reports that the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) is having some kind of computer problems causing delays nationwide over the USA.

Of course, most people will immediately think “Al Queda!”, but we here at The Real True Internet News always make contact with the individuals involved in our stories before jumping to conclusions. We spoke to FAA Flight Officer Eduardo Oboe via satellite cell phone just moments ago.

“No, it’s not Al Queda. Some idiot flight controller found a way to download porn from the Internet through his workstation, and inadvertently downloaded a virus called “Me Love You Long Time” which is now infesting our flight systems. We should have this under control in an hour or two. Meanwhile, commercial pilots will just have to fly the old fashioned way, by sight.”

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August 26, 2008 at 12:52 pm

Posted in USA News

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Sudan Plane Hijacked to Libya

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CNN reports Sudan plane hijacked to Libya.

Real True Internet News contacted the hijackers by cell phone to get the true story.

“We wanted to go to Egypt. You never hear about Egypt in the news, you know? There is always some problem in the United States, China, Russia, Nigeria, my home country Sudan… always something going on. But not in Egypt. You never hear about problems in Egypt. It must be a paradise. So we tried to go there, but the government said they would shoot down the plane if we tried to land there. So we said to hell with it, just go to Libya instead. WE ARE NOT TERRORISTS! No. We just can’t afford to go on vacation the usual way.”

Written by spamtrap

August 26, 2008 at 12:24 pm

Posted in Terrorism, World News

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Department of Homeland Security has 8 Year Old on Terrorist Watch List

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CNN reports that there are some people on the Department of Homeland Security “terrorist watch list” who perhaps should not be on it.

One James Robinson on the watch list is a commercial jet pilot who legally carries a handgun on board.

Another James Robinson on the list is eight years old. When Real True Internet News asked him if he is a terrorist, he said, “I don’t know.”

“Well there you go”, stated Dept. of Homeland Security official James Robinson. “He neither admitted nor denied being a terrorist, so, he belongs on the list. I’m on the list too, but that’s because some REAL terrorist must be using James Robinson as an alias. So all of us James Robinsons are on the list until they catch the bad guy.”

Written by spamtrap

August 19, 2008 at 5:06 pm

Posted in Terrorism, USA News

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Bibles Seized at Chinese Airport

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Chinese officials confiscated 300 Bibles at the Kumming airport today.

“Bibles are legal in China, but travelers may only bring a personal use amount of them into the country. I don’t think this guy personally needed 300 Bibles.”, said Wu Chei Wei, a Chinese customs agent.

Bible smuggler Pat Klein retorted that he’d been smuggling Bibles into China for 21 years and had never been caught before. “This is really going to hurt our profit margin, losing 300 Bibles. I can get about $150 each for these on the Chinese black market.”

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August 18, 2008 at 8:52 am

Russia Invades Georgia

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After a brief conflict, Russia says it is ready to negotiate with Georgia.

Real True Internet News sent correspondent Bunny Swan to downtown Atlanta Saturday afternoon to speak to some of the local residents.

“These big old tanks were rolling right down the middle of Peachtree Rd. this morning”, stated local resident Dale Crabtree. “I thought it was some kind of parade, you know, like on the Fourth of July? But it was Russian soldiers. And they seemed pretty confused, like they were asking the commanding officers “are we supposed to go take over that McDonalds? Or that Starbucks?” I don’t speak Russian but I could hear them shouting “McDonalds” and “Starbucks”. Some kids was taking the Starbucks logos off of coffee cups in the trash and sticking them over the red stars on the tanks. If this is an invasion they’re not doing a very good job.”

Etta Mae Campbell, another Atlanta resident, reported that some Russian soldiers showed up on her porch early this morning. “Yeah, they was asking me for peerogees or something like that. They was all acting like they was gonna come in my house for breakfast, but I just opened the door and let my two Rottweilers out and they took off pretty quick.”

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August 10, 2008 at 11:36 am

Courtesy Class with Ricky Roma

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Real True Internet News has discovered that Ricky Roma (formerly of Premier Properties) is now offering a courtesy class for real estate professionals. We contacted Roma at his office today to get more details.

“Ever since the Glengarry leads were stolen about 15 years ago, Premier Properties has gone downhill. So I quit about five years ago and started this courtesy class for real estate professionals. It’s $750 for three four hour classes spread across three days. Three business days, you don’t count Saturday.”

We asked Roma for some examples of what he teaches in class.

“Well, I take examples from real life. Like this one time I was speaking with one of my associates at the time, Sheldon Levene”:

Ricky Roma: How was her crumbcake?
Shelley Levene: Hmm? Oh… from the store.
Ricky Roma: F*ck her.

“See how easy that is? You make an inquiry to show interest; then halt the discussion of the subject quickly and effectively by displaying an appropriate level of courtesy. Here’s another example, this is from the time the office manager Williamson blew one of my sales:”

“You stupid f*cking c*nt. You, Williamson, I’m talking to you, sh!thead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That’s right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, @sshole? You’re f*cking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid f*cking c*nt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men? Oh, I’m gonna have your job, sh!thead.”
“See? That’s courtesy in action.”

Written by spamtrap

August 5, 2008 at 9:43 am