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Mandalay Bay Las Vegas Offers Intergalactic Vacations

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mandalay_bay_12a Mandalay Bay Las Vegas is now offering upscale travelers the option of visiting other galaxies during their stay at the popular resort. MGM Mirage CEO James Martian gave us an interview to explain the exciting details about this new attraction.

“We’ve basically integrated an FTL (faster than light) engine with the hotel’s HVAC (heating, ventilation & air conditioning) system. FTL was something we picked up from the science fiction TV series Battlestar Galactica (not the 1970s one with the fake looking Cylons). By re-watching a few key episodes several dozen times, we figured out how to actually build a faster than light engine. We also checked to make sure no one else had already patented a faster than light engine.

So, in addition to the standard $200 VIP package offered on our web site (where a limo picks you up at the airport and you get VIP line passes to everything in the resort) we also have a $10,000,000,000 VIP FTL package which adds the option of visiting Galaxy M101.

Real True Internet News: How far away is Galaxy M101?

Martian: 27 million light years. But I already know your next question… how long does it take to get there and back? That’s the really cool part of the deal… it doesn’t.

RTIN: What doesn’t what?

Martian: Traveling to Galaxy M101 does not take any time. Not to the traveler, anyway. If we were traveling AT the speed of light it would take 27 million years, each way. Our FTL engine can reach a velocity of 1,000 times the speed of light, however; so it only takes 27,000 years each way. But that’s 27,000 years earthbound time. Due to the time dilation that occurs from traveling at that speed, our travelers make the trip in about an hour each way. Our package is for 3 days and 2 nights. One day to get there, stay overnight, spend a day touring the galaxy, stay overnight again; then come back.

RTIN: But during those “three days”, haven’t 54,000 years passed on Earth?

Martian: Yes. And that’s just a minor detail we haven’t worked out yet. Although it is a hidden bonus for individuals with a lot of debt or bad credit, since when you get back; your credit is all brand new. Nobody keeps records for 54,000 years.

RTIN: … OK. So, assuming you work out that “detail”… how does the trip work exactly? In that photo it looks like the whole building launches off into space. So you’d be taking everyone in the building rather than just one traveler.

Martian: Well, that’s built into the price. Steve Wynn’s Encore resort only cost $2.3 billion to construct between 2006 and 2008. At $10 billion for each Intergalactic Vacation, we’ll be able to construct many copies of Mandalay Bay. We’re digging a huge tunnel right now which will allow us to have these copies loaded up and ready to spring out from underground. As soon as one Mandalay Bay leaves the atmosphere, a new copy will resurrect in its place from the underground tunnel. And we do make announcements every 33 minutes for several days preceding launch to make sure everyone is out of the resort except for the paid travelers. There’s no room service or housekeeping but the travelers do get to enjoy the entire resort without any crowds for three days.

RTIN: Wow. Well, I would not believe it if I didn’t see it right there in that photo.

Martian: Umm. Actually, we Photoshopped that. Mandalay Bay has not launched yet but we have tested the technology with the Frontier, Stardust, Klondike and Westward Ho. False press releases were issued stating that these resorts were demolished but actually they’re on short test runs. Stardust is scheduled to return in the year 2207.

RTIN: … and huge hotels falling out of the sky won’t be a problem in 2207?

Martian: Possibly. It’s not our problem though. Las Vegas will run out of water by 2020 so we don’t expect anything to be here by 2207. It will be all empty desert like it was in 1907.

RTIN: Well, thanks for explaining the FTL VIP package to us and good luck with the project.

Martian: Thank you. And tell everyone to use code FTL when booking online. We’re offering a discount of $1 billion to the first five customers.


Written by spamtrap

July 16, 2009 at 1:19 pm

Las Vegas Reproduction Built on Jupiter

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Las Vegas strip aerial view

Las Vegas strip aerial view

Today, Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman announced that a top secret project started in 2003 has been completed… a highly detailed replica of Las Vegas has been constructed on the planet Jupiter. We wouldn’t have believed this story at all had we not seen photographs of the project, as shown to the left.

Mayor Goodman left us a voice mail message in response to our inquiries. (We left him a few voice mail messages asking why a reproduction of Las Vegas was constructed in such a remote and uninhabitable location such as Jupiter.)

“You have to understand that when a person or corporation has more money than they know what to do with, they can’t just keep doing what they’ve been doing. Steve Wynn started planning his ultimate fantasy project (the Wynn resort) in 2002 and it ended up costing only $2.7 billion. What’s a trillionaire to do? Yeah, he threw a few more billion into Encore at Wynn, which opened late last year… but his real dream project was Jupiter. Steve and a few other investors launched Project Jupiter in 2003. This is an exact copy of the Las Vegas strip from Mandalay Bay on the south end to the Stratosphere at the north end, and also includes the nearby off-strip resorts like the Hard Rock and Palms. It’s an exact copy except for the people, of course. If a person could be transported instantly to Jupiter they’d die within about a millisecond due to the poisonous atmosphere, subzero temperatures, and incredible gravity. I’d weigh about 2 tons on Jupiter. The gravity was the biggest problem on this project – special materials had to be used to prevent the buildings from collapsing. It was all built by giant robotic cranes and robotic construction crews. After they finish the bubble dome over the reproduction that will let them create an Earth-like atmosphere and artificial Earth-like gravity, they’ll launch the Jupiter Junket space flight packages. Round trip spacefare and 2 nights in the hotel of your choice will run about $40 million and it also takes about 10 years to get there and 10 years to get back; but the suspended animation option makes it feel like about a 2 day trip. No big deal. The most interesting thing about this project is that no laws exist on Jupiter. It could end up being a haven for blackjack card counters, prostitutes, drug dealers, and casino cheats. We’ll see what happens.”

Written by spamtrap

May 1, 2009 at 12:51 pm

ASUSTeK Computer Announces Merger With Jesus

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pope_laptopASUSTeK Computer Inc. announced yesterday that they are merging with Jesus Christ effective January 2010. Real True Internet News was not able to get in touch with a representative from ASUS (which is perhaps most well known for introducing the EEE PC netbook computer) but we were surprised to see Jesus show up for an interview as a disembodied voice.

Real True Internet News: So perhaps you can explain why the savior of humanity would merge with a high tech company.

Jesus: Certainly. For one thing, We felt it was time to update the image of Abrahamic religions. You’ve got these books that are thousands of years old, and barbaric customs like eating my flesh and drinking my blood, which need to be brought up to date. Secondly, the Catholic church is in very poor financial shape after all those lawsuits, so we’re going to become more vigorous in pursuing the acquisition of financial wealth.

RTIN: That makes sense. Now tell us about the new direction laptop computers will be taking?

Jesus: The company will become JAsus in January 2010 and introduce the new Holybook EEE PC. The Holybook will have constant, uninterrupted access to the Internet via the Heaven Network, and run forever with no power supply. Pricing will start at only $299.

RTIN: What kind of content is on Heaven Network?

Jesus: We have the typical chat rooms and discussion forums, weather forecast, that type of stuff, and JewTube is very popular. You do know that I am a Jew? All that Christianity nonsense started after I left. Anyway, Moses and I have quite a few videos on JewTube.

RTIN: Does God have a web site?

Jesus: God is all web sites.

RTIN: We always thought you were opposed to money.

Jesus: Well, I was for a long time. Things change.

RTIN: Thanks for talking to us!

Jesus: You’re welcome. And don’t forget to log on to next year to order your Holybook.

Written by spamtrap

April 2, 2009 at 10:14 am

Scientists About to Destroy the World

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When the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest atom smasher, is turned on in August 2008; some people believe it may result in a cataclysm like creating a black hole that will swallow the earth or opening a time space portal to the Borg empire.

Walter L. Wagner, a physicist and lawyer, said Wednesday CERN’s safety report, released June 20, “has several major flaws,” and his views on the risks of using the particle accelerator had not changed. Wagner stated that the device could allow the Borg to “warp” into our system and assimilate the human race.

“You know what they say, resistance is futile. The Borg are some mean mofo’s. You think that guy with a Bluetooth headset looks weird, wait until the Borg replace your eyes and strap a supercomputer to your skull.”

Physicist Martin Rees has estimated the chance of an accelerator producing a portal for the Borg at one in 50 million.

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June 30, 2008 at 9:46 am

Dubai to Build Shape Shifting Skyscraper

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CNN continues to pull our legs with this story of a shape shifting skyscraper.

Real True Internet News contacted the alleged architect, David Fisher, to find out if this is true.

“Yes it is true. Dubai is one of the wealthiest nations in the world, so they presented my company with the challenge of building a 420 meter tower (I wonder why they chose 420?) at the highest cost possible. I asked “Don’t you mean the LOWEST possible cost?” and they said no, the HIGHEST possible cost. I was told that they have so much money they don’t know what to do with it, and they’re looking for ways to increase frivolous spending. I suggested several possibilities including an underwater tower and a flying tower which hovers above the ground. Stuff that hasn’t been done in Las Vegas yet. Then they said not just to spend as much as possible but make the structure in such a way that people won’t mind going into it. So we finally agreed on this idea of building a tower with floors that independently rotate like carousels. It should be fun.”

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June 25, 2008 at 6:06 pm

Apple Introduces New Eye Phone

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Real True Internet News received a beta version of the new Apple Eye Phone last week and we’re pleased to report it’s a wonderfully versatile product. Apple CEO Steve Jobs included a letter describing its many functions.

“Our first product, the I Phone, was designed kind of hastily so we used it as a starting point for the new Eye Phone. In addition to surfing the Internet, making cellular phone calls, sending and receiving e-mail, storing and playing multimedia files, and taking pictures; the new Eye Phone replaces the human eye and interfaces with the brain via the optic nerve. This allows Eye Phone to use the brain as storage rather than the old fashioned flash memory or hard drive. So now not only do you get virtually unlimited storage capacity but your data is impossible to lose, and you can simply THINK a command rather than having to type it or use a touch screen and cellular calls can take place silently. You just have to think what you intend to say. You can also mentally compose e-mail messages instead of typing them. This is a big step in the venue of telecommunications.”

Written by spamtrap

June 22, 2008 at 5:34 pm

Posted in Technology, USA News

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