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Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

OMFG We Are All Gonna Die Of Swine Flu

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pig Today CNN reported that we’re all gonna die of swine flu.

Real True Internet News spoke with World Health Organization Director General Dr. Margaret Chan through a triple layered sterile “bubble” after taking several hot chemical showers and an acid bath.

Dr. Chan: Yes, it is very bad. We are all going to die soon.

Real True Internet News: That’s it? No hope?

Dr. Chan: No hope. We all die.

RTIN: But this same thing happened in 1976 and it was no big deal.

Dr. Chan: Well, this time is different.

RTIN: How is it different?

Dr. Chan: Well, the swine flu virus is now much stronger than it was in 1976. Now, if you see a pig, you die. If you think about a pig, you die. You can catch the swine flu over the Internet even. There is no escape.

RTIN: But less than a thousandth of a percent of the USA population even has swine flu. We have about 300 million US citizens. Three million catching swine flu would be 1 percent of the population. 30,000 would be a HUNDREDTH of one percent. Not even 1/1000th of ONE PERCENT of the population has it. So how can it be this “pandemic” that you’re calling it?

Dr. Chan: You, you don’t argue with me. Everyone in the USA will be dead soon; and then everyone in the world.

RTIN: So why all the safety precautions like the chemical showers and sterile plastic bubble?

Dr. Chan: You’re right, it isn’t necessary. Come on out and have a ham sandwich.

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April 29, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Posted in Health, World News

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Home Operating Theater Helps Economy

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home_operating_theater Zonko Products Inc. Corp. today announced that their new product, the Home Operating Theater, will be available to consumers in mid-July. Real True Internet News met with CEO Joe Zonko this morning to get more details about the product. Such as, what a person can do with it.

Real True Internet News: So, Mr. Zonko, what exactly is the Home Operating Theater?

Zonko: This is a fully hospital compliant operating theater in every respect except for a slightly smaller size and lower power consumption.

RTIN: Some of our readers probably are not familiar with the term “operating theater.”

Zonko: Right. Well, it’s a table for doing surgery, high powered lights, electro encephalogram, X-Ray machine, mini MRI (magnetic resonance imaging, similar to X-Ray), full set of scalpels, retractors, gowns, surgical masks, gloves, all the stuff you need to do surgery.

RTIN: … so you’re saying, this is for doing surgery at home?

Zonko: Exactly. Over the past 10 or so years we’ve seen the media report that record numbers of bankruptcies are occurring – mainly due to medical bills. The Home Operating Theater (HOT) pays for itself after just one surgery. There are no bills for hospital stays because you’re not in a hospital. There is no bill for a surgeon or anesthesiologist because YOU are the surgeon or anesthesiologist. Or your wife or the dog or whoever. The average bill for a triple cardio bypass is well over $100,000 and the HOT only costs $89,999. We have an easy payment plan and free installation. And more important, we include step by step instructions for performing the most common types of surgeries, like coronary bypass and appendectomy. We also sell a $29 DVD about delivering babies.

RTIN: Doing your own surgery at home sounds like a great idea, except for the risk involved with letting unqualified people perform surgery.

Zonko: We’ve have zero fatalities so far during our beta testing. Complete instructions are included, so anyone can do the same thing a surgeon can do. Surgeons don’t have special magical hands or anything, you know? If you can draw a straight line you can make an incision. If you know how to use scissors and a needle and thread you can do all the same procedures a skilled surgeon can do.

RTIN: OK well thanks for explaining the HOT to us Mr. Zonko and we wish you luck.

Zonko: Thank you. We also have a small business version of the HOT coming out next year, for performing surgeries at work.

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April 16, 2009 at 9:10 am

Heroin Cheaper Than Beer

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Today CNN announced on their web site that heroin is cheaper than a six pack of beer.

We asked CNN Director Joe Conn what intention lies behind this announcement.

“Well, we’re just illustrating the changing economy in action. Apparently there is some link between high unemployment and low illegal drug prices. The main drawback to heroin is that you have to intravenously inject it and you bought it from a criminal. Not a good combination there, crime and medical procedures. We think all drugs should be legal, so you can pick up a six pack of heroin at Wal Mart or Target and not have to worry about whether or not you’re mainlining bird droppings or road tar. There’s a lot of potential tax revenue out there too. Considering that alcohol is legal and makes people crazy… drugs like heroin and marijuana should clearly be legalized. Would you rather be in a hotel room next to five college kids having a beer party or five college kids doing heroin? Totally different vibe, you know?”

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April 13, 2009 at 12:29 pm

Posted in Health, USA News

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Scientists Announce Revolutionary New Diet

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Scientists from five major U.S. universities today announced the findings of a five year study they’ve been conducting of a revolutionary new weight loss program. Dr. Horace McGillicuddy spoke to Real True Internet News today to give us the exclusive story.

“People have always tried to lose weight by eating less. And it usually works. But we found that the reverse strategy… eating MORE… actually works better. Our control group of 100 overweight people who were placed on standard low calorie diets each lost an average of 26 pounds over the five year period; while the 100 people who were placed on the new high calorie diet each lost an average of 66 pounds. The secret is to eat a lot every day. The typical overweight person flip flops between dieting and overeating; which causes weight gain. You just have to be consistent to lose weight. Eat more, or eat less, but do it every day. Don’t switch back and forth.”

Dr. McGillicuddy’s sample menu recommends a four egg omelet with biscuits and gravy for breakfast; pancakes and 12 link sausages for second breakfast; double bacon cheeseburger with french fries for lunch; 16 ounces of Doritos for after lunch snack; two chili dogs with cheese for the pre-dinner appetizer; a large pizza with a six pack of beer for dinner; two quarts of ice cream for dessert; and a full box of Oreo cookies or Chips Ahoy! with a quart of milk as a bedtime snack.

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July 22, 2008 at 4:00 pm

Posted in Health, USA News

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