The Real True Internet News

The real true news. Don’t believe those big media sites!

Sarah Palin Finally Gets It

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palingov Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has announced she is stepping down as Governor.

Real True Internet News expected this last year after she repeatedly embarrassed herself during television interviews; revealing that she was not familiar with any Supreme Court decisions and also being unable to name any magazines or newspapers.

I finally get it now,” Palin said, when asked why she was resigning.

I have no business being in politics at all. It’s just a weird set of random events that put me here. When I was running for mayor of Wasilla I thought being mayor was like being a cheerleader or goodwill ambassador. I never really thought of it as a political position or career. Then I go and get elected governor. Then John McCain asks me to run for vice president. It’s insane! What’s wrong with these people? I just want to drink lattes, get my nails done, go to aerobics and watch soaps. But noooo… you people wouldn’t leave me alone. You kept asking me questions about nonsense like the war in Iraq and the Constitution. I don’t care about any of that. Leave me alone.


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July 4, 2009 at 6:15 am

Posted in USA Politics

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Taliban Implements A New Strategy

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teletubbies In order to escape US Marines targeting the Taliban in Afghanistan, some Taliban members have implemented a new strategy.

They are trading in their robes, turbans, and decrepit beards for Teletubbie costumes“, stated our CNN correspondent via satellite telephone.

Many of our Marines and other soldiers are still teenagers who grew up with the Teletubbies. While they know that Teletubbies are not real, and especially that they would not encounter a Teletubbie in the deserts of Afghanistan… there is a momentary shock and surprise which allows the Taliban enough time to run away and evade capture. Furthermore, many soldiers are reluctant to fire their weapons at cute cartoon characters. General Petreus is working on a counter strategy… outfitting US soldiers in Ahmad Duck and Mahmoud Mouse (beloved Islamic cartoon characters) costumes. Then, when our soldiers are surprised by a Taliban Teletubbie, the Taliban Teletubbie is at the same time surprised by Ahmad Duck or Mahmoud Mouse; which evens the playing field. They are both momentarily surprised and shocked.

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July 3, 2009 at 12:31 pm

Michael Jackson is Still Dead

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michael_jackson Various news sources and media outlets are reporting that Michael Jackson is still dead.

Michael’s sister Janet Jackson contacted Real True Internet News today to report her suspicions that he may not be dead.

Michael was the King of Pop, you know? And he had magic power. How else could he get away with being a grown man who hangs out with children in his own private amusement park for all those years? The jurors at his trial said yeah he’s a pedophile but NOT GUILTY of these specific charges! You have to have magic power to get away with some shit like that, you know, basically caught with your pants down. So I think Michael is still alive. It’s some kind of supernatural paranormal stuff. The secret might be in his album Thriller.

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July 1, 2009 at 2:33 pm

Real True Internet News Interviews President of Iran

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ahmadinejad Real True Internet News was granted an interview with Iranian president Mahmoo Fukmadinejad

Ahmadinejad: That’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

RTIN: Sorry…. umm, we were granted an interview with Iranian president Mahmoud Fagmadinejad after being flown to Iran in a private jet

Ahmadinejad: That’s AHMADINEJAD.

RTIN: Sorry, right. OK. So, President Suckmydad, were you

Ahmadinejad: It’s AHMADINEJAD. Don’t make me tell you again or you will be very sorry.

RTIN: Sorry. OK, Mister President…

Ahmadinejad: That’s better.

RTIN: So… how did you win re-election so quickly and easily?

Ahmadinejad: It is the will of Allah. Also, I read “Mein Kampf” and have adapted the teachings of Adolf Hitler. His methods were radical but effective.

RTIN: But Hitler was a raving, murderous lunatic.

Ahmadinejad: Yes, I admire him very much and would like to be just like him.

RTIN: You want to commit suicide after US forces defeat your military?

Ahmadinejad: No, of course not. I said I want to BE just like him. Not end up like he ended up. What is your name anyway?

RTIN: I’m, uhhh, umm, Kareem…. uhh, Abdul Jabbar.

Ahmadinejad: Good. That is a good Muslim name. Now what were we talking about?

RTIN: The election.

Ahmadinejad: Oh yes. I won the election by a huge margin. The people of Iran love me.

RTIN: I’ve seen them partying in the streets recently.

Ahmadinejad: Yes, they are filled with joy.

RTIN: President Hamgonadinajar, what is (ARGGGHHH)

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June 27, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Posted in World News

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Citibank Announces “Back to Basics” Campaign

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Citibank CEO Eduardo Dollaro announced the launch of Citibank’s “Back to Basics” campaign this morning.

Dollaro explained the new campaign to us via satellite telephone:

“Money, or more specifically, coins and currency, were introduced as a mode of exchange. For example, if I had 100 goats and you had 100 cows and I wanted to trade you my 100 goats for 500 pounds of sugar… no deal. All you have is cows, dairy products, leather and steaks. All I have is goats and feta cheese.

So we invent money. Now I can sell my goats for money and buy whatever I need with that money. Money is kind of a universal product. Or that was what it was supposed to be.

Over time, money became more of an intangible product, which was not the original intention. It was supposed to facilitate exchanges. It was not supposed to become a magical product that self replicates (which is what earning interest is.) It was not supposed to become a phantom that could be magically erased (as is the case with bankruptcies.)

After the recent bank collapses, Citibank decided to go back to basics. It’s a new strategy but it’s only new to us. This is actually the way things used to be before money existed.

Starting on July 1, 2009, anyone who deposits 10 goats into a Citibank savings account will get 11 goats back after 12 months. No other bank offers 10 percent interest on savings accounts.

We are also offering loans of goats, squirrel pelts, and salt. That’s for the northeastern USA though. In the south, our branches are accepting possums for deposit and offering loans in cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon, NASCAR DVDs and 12 gauge shotgun ammunition. In the southwest, snakeskin and cactus are the standards. On the west coast they’re trading in coffee, craft beer and marijuana (with an official medical card only).

We’re expecting all other financial institutions to follow suit shortly after we launch this campaign.”

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June 12, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Posted in Financial News

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Las Vegas Reproduction Built on Jupiter

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Las Vegas strip aerial view

Las Vegas strip aerial view

Today, Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman announced that a top secret project started in 2003 has been completed… a highly detailed replica of Las Vegas has been constructed on the planet Jupiter. We wouldn’t have believed this story at all had we not seen photographs of the project, as shown to the left.

Mayor Goodman left us a voice mail message in response to our inquiries. (We left him a few voice mail messages asking why a reproduction of Las Vegas was constructed in such a remote and uninhabitable location such as Jupiter.)

“You have to understand that when a person or corporation has more money than they know what to do with, they can’t just keep doing what they’ve been doing. Steve Wynn started planning his ultimate fantasy project (the Wynn resort) in 2002 and it ended up costing only $2.7 billion. What’s a trillionaire to do? Yeah, he threw a few more billion into Encore at Wynn, which opened late last year… but his real dream project was Jupiter. Steve and a few other investors launched Project Jupiter in 2003. This is an exact copy of the Las Vegas strip from Mandalay Bay on the south end to the Stratosphere at the north end, and also includes the nearby off-strip resorts like the Hard Rock and Palms. It’s an exact copy except for the people, of course. If a person could be transported instantly to Jupiter they’d die within about a millisecond due to the poisonous atmosphere, subzero temperatures, and incredible gravity. I’d weigh about 2 tons on Jupiter. The gravity was the biggest problem on this project – special materials had to be used to prevent the buildings from collapsing. It was all built by giant robotic cranes and robotic construction crews. After they finish the bubble dome over the reproduction that will let them create an Earth-like atmosphere and artificial Earth-like gravity, they’ll launch the Jupiter Junket space flight packages. Round trip spacefare and 2 nights in the hotel of your choice will run about $40 million and it also takes about 10 years to get there and 10 years to get back; but the suspended animation option makes it feel like about a 2 day trip. No big deal. The most interesting thing about this project is that no laws exist on Jupiter. It could end up being a haven for blackjack card counters, prostitutes, drug dealers, and casino cheats. We’ll see what happens.”

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May 1, 2009 at 12:51 pm

OMFG We Are All Gonna Die Of Swine Flu

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pig Today CNN reported that we’re all gonna die of swine flu.

Real True Internet News spoke with World Health Organization Director General Dr. Margaret Chan through a triple layered sterile “bubble” after taking several hot chemical showers and an acid bath.

Dr. Chan: Yes, it is very bad. We are all going to die soon.

Real True Internet News: That’s it? No hope?

Dr. Chan: No hope. We all die.

RTIN: But this same thing happened in 1976 and it was no big deal.

Dr. Chan: Well, this time is different.

RTIN: How is it different?

Dr. Chan: Well, the swine flu virus is now much stronger than it was in 1976. Now, if you see a pig, you die. If you think about a pig, you die. You can catch the swine flu over the Internet even. There is no escape.

RTIN: But less than a thousandth of a percent of the USA population even has swine flu. We have about 300 million US citizens. Three million catching swine flu would be 1 percent of the population. 30,000 would be a HUNDREDTH of one percent. Not even 1/1000th of ONE PERCENT of the population has it. So how can it be this “pandemic” that you’re calling it?

Dr. Chan: You, you don’t argue with me. Everyone in the USA will be dead soon; and then everyone in the world.

RTIN: So why all the safety precautions like the chemical showers and sterile plastic bubble?

Dr. Chan: You’re right, it isn’t necessary. Come on out and have a ham sandwich.

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April 29, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Posted in Health, World News

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