In a surprise announcement today, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson stated that in addition to the federal government purchasing all the banks in the United States, they will be converted into Taco Bell restaurants.

Real True Internet News had lunch with Secretary Paulson at a local Washington, D.C. Taco Bell to get the details.

Well, it’s just common sense. Taco Bell has had great success and high profitability selling low priced food items like 59 cent tacos and 79 cent burritos. They’ve been in business since 1962. It’s a proven business model. Now, we’ve seen what happened with the business model banks were using… which is basically a pyramid scheme or Ponzi scheme. “Give us $1,000 and we’ll give you back $1,050 in a year.” Yeah right. There’s no product, no service. No inventory, no work to do. “Just let your money work for itself.” A pure hustle. And as is the case with pyramid schemes, they ultimately collapse.

You gotta have a product people can USE. If you were stranded on a desert island for the rest of your life, would you rather have a box full of taco shells and tortillas or a box full of money? Heh, I’d pick the money if there was no firewood but otherwise fish tacos are tastier than a five dollar bill.

Congress rejects the bailout plan… and the stock market crashes. Government officials warn there will be gloom and doom if the bailout is not approved. So Congress approves the bailout plan… and the stock market crashes. Gloom and doom happen anyway.

Except for the employees of the bailed out companies.

ABC News reports AIG Execs Head to California Resort.

AIG documents obtained by Waxman’s investigators show the company paid more than $440,000 for the retreat, including nearly $200,000 for rooms, $150,000 for meals and $23,000 in spa charges.

“They’re getting their pedicures and their manicures and the American people are paying for that,” said Cong. Elijah Cummings (D-MD).

Real True Internet News enjoys a good joke. But this is no joke. American patriots should consider the words of the Declaration of Independence:

That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

The US House of Representatives has rejected the much talked about $700 billion bailout plan that was intended to save failing businesses at taxpayers’ expense.

Real True Internet News was on the House floor interviewing some of the representatives who had just voted against the bailout.

“My cousin Vinny in Brooklyn lost his job a few months ago and is now homeless. Nobody bailed him out. If government won’t bail out a citizen who only needs maybe $5,000 to get back on his feet, why the heck should we give $700,000,000,000 to corrupt financial institutions? It’s absurd. You could find 700,000 homeless people and give them each a million dollars instead. If you want to stimulate the economy, that’s the right way to do it. Cut loose 700,000 new millionaires who’ve been eating out of trash cans.”

“This bailout would have cost each American taxpayer $4,830. Taxpayers who earn maybe $25,000 to $50,000 per year. While the businesses being bailed out have been paying their top level executives millions of dollars per year. Let them bail themselves out. They can afford it.”

The Fox News headline reads: Saudi cleric says Mickey Mouse must die.

Sheikh Muhammad Munajid stated that the beloved Disney cartoon character is a soldier of Satan and should be killed in accordance with Islamic law.

Real True Internet News contacted Munajid this morning to inquire as to how a fictitious character poses a threat to anyone.

“Well, you infidels think Allah is a fictitious character, and you felt his glory on September 11, 2001. While you think Mickey Mouse is fictitious, we can feel his evil at work in the nations of Islam in the same way that you felt the power of Allah on 9/11. Mickey Mouse is responsible for nearly all bad things that happen to Muslim people. Disease, death, poverty, all that stuff. It’s his fault and I will kill him. I have prayed to Allah and He has given me many magical spells and weapons to use in accomplishing Jihad against Mickey Mouse. You will soon see.”

CNN reports mom gets life in prison for microwaving baby.

We thought this was some kind of sick joke being perpetrated by CNN, but it’s not. Real True Internet News sent our Dayton, Ohio correspondent to visit 28 year old China Arnold in jail after she received her life sentence.

“I don’t know nothing about taking care of no baby. I put stuff in the microwave all the time to heat it up, so when my baby was acting all bothered by the cold, I put her in the microwave to warm up. Wasn’t supposed to kill her. Well now I know, don’t put babies in a microwave. I don’t deserve life in prison for a stupid mistake.”

It may have come as a surprise to many of us to hear McCain speaking about change during the Republican National Convention. Real True Internet News chatted with Senator Obama via Yahoo! Instant Messenger to get his perspective.

“Yeah, Senator McCain is now all of a sudden talking about change, after I’ve been using it as my main platform all year. At first I was a little ticked off but then I realized… McCain must be implying that he’s going to vote for ME, if he’s promising change. Nothing else would make any sense.”

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s (who is fiercely anti-abortion) 17 year old daughter is pregnant.

Real True Internet News wondered if she might have an abortion. We contacted Palin’s public relations manager, Wendy Hawk, this morning.

It’s a well known fact that Governor Palin is strictly against abortion, so I don’t think her own daughter would dare participate in such folly as to have that procedure performed. However, this is politics and politicians do change their minds. Coming out as pro-abortion could gain Palin some support from the Hillary Clinton fans who want to see a woman in the White House but are pro-abortion.

We then asked Hawk for her views on abortion.

Both sides on the abortion issue are right. No, wait, I mean… uhhh, it depends on what happens later. No comment. I’m not at liberty to say. No, I’ll stick with my original comment. Both sides are right.

That’s right, after my TV show ended I went legit. Opened a funeral home. I’m still in waste management too, I kind of combined the professions. I make much more income from the funeral business though. Soprano Family Funeral Home offers an unprecedented $49.95 full funeral and burial special. That’s about a thousand dollars cheaper than the cheapest funeral anyone else offers. We have a 5 minute service, you can add pizza and beer for $25, then we put you in a cardboard refrigerator box and dump you at the main landfill in Paramus, New Jersey. I mean, you’re dead, what the f*ck do you expect?

CNN reports that the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) is having some kind of computer problems causing delays nationwide over the USA.

Of course, most people will immediately think “Al Queda!”, but we here at The Real True Internet News always make contact with the individuals involved in our stories before jumping to conclusions. We spoke to FAA Flight Officer Eduardo Oboe via satellite cell phone just moments ago.

“No, it’s not Al Queda. Some idiot flight controller found a way to download porn from the Internet through his workstation, and inadvertently downloaded a virus called “Me Love You Long Time” which is now infesting our flight systems. We should have this under control in an hour or two. Meanwhile, commercial pilots will just have to fly the old fashioned way, by sight.”

CNN reports Sudan plane hijacked to Libya.

Real True Internet News contacted the hijackers by cell phone to get the true story.

“We wanted to go to Egypt. You never hear about Egypt in the news, you know? There is always some problem in the United States, China, Russia, Nigeria, my home country Sudan… always something going on. But not in Egypt. You never hear about problems in Egypt. It must be a paradise. So we tried to go there, but the government said they would shoot down the plane if we tried to land there. So we said to hell with it, just go to Libya instead. WE ARE NOT TERRORISTS! No. We just can’t afford to go on vacation the usual way.”