The Real True Internet News

The Fox News headline reads: Saudi cleric says Mickey Mouse must die.

Sheikh Muhammad Munajid stated that the beloved Disney cartoon character is a soldier of Satan and should be killed in accordance with Islamic law.

Real True Internet News contacted Munajid this morning to inquire as to how a fictitious character poses a threat to anyone.

“Well, you infidels think Allah is a fictitious character, and you felt his glory on September 11, 2001. While you think Mickey Mouse is fictitious, we can feel his evil at work in the nations of Islam in the same way that you felt the power of Allah on 9/11. Mickey Mouse is responsible for nearly all bad things that happen to Muslim people. Disease, death, poverty, all that stuff. It’s his fault and I will kill him. I have prayed to Allah and He has given me many magical spells and weapons to use in accomplishing Jihad against Mickey Mouse. You will soon see.”

CNN reports Sudan plane hijacked to Libya.

Real True Internet News contacted the hijackers by cell phone to get the true story.

“We wanted to go to Egypt. You never hear about Egypt in the news, you know? There is always some problem in the United States, China, Russia, Nigeria, my home country Sudan… always something going on. But not in Egypt. You never hear about problems in Egypt. It must be a paradise. So we tried to go there, but the government said they would shoot down the plane if we tried to land there. So we said to hell with it, just go to Libya instead. WE ARE NOT TERRORISTS! No. We just can’t afford to go on vacation the usual way.”

Chinese officials confiscated 300 Bibles at the Kumming airport today.

“Bibles are legal in China, but travelers may only bring a personal use amount of them into the country. I don’t think this guy personally needed 300 Bibles.”, said Wu Chei Wei, a Chinese customs agent.

Bible smuggler Pat Klein retorted that he’d been smuggling Bibles into China for 21 years and had never been caught before. “This is really going to hurt our profit margin, losing 300 Bibles. I can get about $150 each for these on the Chinese black market.”

After a brief conflict, Russia says it is ready to negotiate with Georgia.

Real True Internet News sent correspondent Bunny Swan to downtown Atlanta Saturday afternoon to speak to some of the local residents.

“These big old tanks were rolling right down the middle of Peachtree Rd. this morning”, stated local resident Dale Crabtree. “I thought it was some kind of parade, you know, like on the Fourth of July? But it was Russian soldiers. And they seemed pretty confused, like they were asking the commanding officers “are we supposed to go take over that McDonalds? Or that Starbucks?” I don’t speak Russian but I could hear them shouting “McDonalds” and “Starbucks”. Some kids was taking the Starbucks logos off of coffee cups in the trash and sticking them over the red stars on the tanks. If this is an invasion they’re not doing a very good job.”

Etta Mae Campbell, another Atlanta resident, reported that some Russian soldiers showed up on her porch early this morning. “Yeah, they was asking me for peerogees or something like that. They was all acting like they was gonna come in my house for breakfast, but I just opened the door and let my two Rottweilers out and they took off pretty quick.”

CNN has honored Real True Internet News once again by coming up with a headline more suited to our web site than theirs… U.S. exports cigarettes, bras, bull semen to Iran.

The CNN story states: U.S. exports to Iran — including brassieres, bull semen, cosmetics and possibly even weapons — grew more than tenfold during President Bush’s years in office even as he accused Iran of nuclear ambitions and helping terrorists. America sent more cigarettes to Iran, at least $158 million worth under Bush, than any other products.

Real True Internet News sent our political correspondent to the Oval Office this morning to ask President Bush for clarification of the issue.

“You have to understand that the Muslim culture and way of doing things is different from us. First they asked for bull semen and Laura and I were like ‘oh my God, what do they want with SEMEN?’ but then they explained they’re running out of beef and milk because their cows are so damn ugly that the bulls won’t impregnate them. So we started selling them bull semen… how do they do that anyway? I sure wouldn’t want that job. But the point is, they proved their honesty and intentions by following up with a request for bras and cosmetics.

Obviously they have to dress up their cows to look sexy so the bulls will start doing their job. Right? It all makes perfect sense. And the cigarettes too. Although maybe they chew on em instead of smoking em. The bulls, that is. They have maybe one or two bulls they have to use to impregnate a whole flock of cows so they reward em with a pack of Camels.

Notice how Mahmoud (heh, mah MOOOOOed) Armani… Armandhammer… Amagiciandad… uhhh, the president of Iran … just this morning he said there would be NO WAR with the USA. And this is why. We keep em supplied with what they need.”

CNN reports a fake priest was caught trying to hear confessions in St. Peter’s Basilica and was tried by a Vatican tribunal, a Vatican judge said in an interview published Saturday.

Real True Internet News held a video conference with our correspondent in Rome, Father Guido Sarducci, who explained the incident.

“You could fool the Vatican police, you could fool churchgoers, you could maybe even fool the Pope; but you cannot fool God. This fake priest, he was very stupid, thinking he could fool God; who is the boss of priests. It doesn’t matter what you do. You could put on a big floppy hat, a priest suit, a fake mustache, whatever. God still sees who you are. I’m surprised this priest impersonator didn’t just burst into flames when he entered the holy area of the church. I bet it was Jesus who saved him. You know how God is always all angry and shouting at Moses and punishing people but Jesus says be nice. I think Jesus has the same power as God, so maybe it was Jesus spotted the fake priest first before God could make him burst into flame or turn into a pillar of salt. But it’s the same thing either way. You cannot fool omnipotent omnipresent beings. What the heck was this guy thinking!?”

When the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest atom smasher, is turned on in August 2008; some people believe it may result in a cataclysm like creating a black hole that will swallow the earth or opening a time space portal to the Borg empire.

Walter L. Wagner, a physicist and lawyer, said Wednesday CERN’s safety report, released June 20, “has several major flaws,” and his views on the risks of using the particle accelerator had not changed. Wagner stated that the device could allow the Borg to “warp” into our system and assimilate the human race.

“You know what they say, resistance is futile. The Borg are some mean mofo’s. You think that guy with a Bluetooth headset looks weird, wait until the Borg replace your eyes and strap a supercomputer to your skull.”

Physicist Martin Rees has estimated the chance of an accelerator producing a portal for the Borg at one in 50 million.

Real True Internet News loves finding this kind of sensational headline. As CNN reports, Malaysian opposition leader accused of sodomy.

Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim took refuge Sunday at the Turkish Embassy after police began probing an allegation that he sodomized his male aide. (They said “PROBING”, heh heh.)

Ibrahim has a past history of this behavior as well: But it all unraveled in 1998 when he was accused of sodomizing his driver and abusing his power to cover up the deed.

The CNN article also points out that sodomy, even if consensual, is punishable by 20 years’ imprisonment in Muslim-majority Malaysia. So apparently the issue is not one of forcible rape but rather sexual preference.

To clarify, Real True Internet News contacted Ibrahim via the Turkish Embassy satellite telephone.

“Actually it is all your fault. I have Internet access. On May 13, 2008 I read the Real True Internet News article titled Al Queda Operative Reveals Training Techniques and was fascinated with the idea of sodomizing a chicken, as mentioned in the article. So I sodomized a chicken and then went on what you might call a “sodomy spree.” My attorney has advised me to consider a lawsuit against Real True Internet News for causing me this temporary insanity.”

Lt. Jim Dangle, legal consultant to The Real True Internet News, stated that we “have nothing to worry about since sodomy is legal in the United States.”

CNN continues to pull our legs with this story of a shape shifting skyscraper.

Real True Internet News contacted the alleged architect, David Fisher, to find out if this is true.

“Yes it is true. Dubai is one of the wealthiest nations in the world, so they presented my company with the challenge of building a 420 meter tower (I wonder why they chose 420?) at the highest cost possible. I asked “Don’t you mean the LOWEST possible cost?” and they said no, the HIGHEST possible cost. I was told that they have so much money they don’t know what to do with it, and they’re looking for ways to increase frivolous spending. I suggested several possibilities including an underwater tower and a flying tower which hovers above the ground. Stuff that hasn’t been done in Las Vegas yet. Then they said not just to spend as much as possible but make the structure in such a way that people won’t mind going into it. So we finally agreed on this idea of building a tower with floors that independently rotate like carousels. It should be fun.”

CNN reports that the Pirates have taken four European tourists hostage. Real True Internet News placed several phone calls to Pirates management to clarify the situation but they hung up on us each time; so we showed up at the Pirates locker room where we found pitcher Lyle Hand willing to talk.

“I haven’t heard anything about it. We need some good infielders but I don’t know what we’d do with four European tourists. Maybe plant them in the spectator stands to cheer for us?”

Real True Internet News will continue its investigation to seek the truth. Meanwhile, we can’t help but wonder if CNN is just wrong?