The Real True Internet News

Congress rejects the bailout plan… and the stock market crashes. Government officials warn there will be gloom and doom if the bailout is not approved. So Congress approves the bailout plan… and the stock market crashes. Gloom and doom happen anyway.

Except for the employees of the bailed out companies.

ABC News reports AIG Execs Head to California Resort.

AIG documents obtained by Waxman’s investigators show the company paid more than $440,000 for the retreat, including nearly $200,000 for rooms, $150,000 for meals and $23,000 in spa charges.

“They’re getting their pedicures and their manicures and the American people are paying for that,” said Cong. Elijah Cummings (D-MD).

Real True Internet News enjoys a good joke. But this is no joke. American patriots should consider the words of the Declaration of Independence:

That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

It may have come as a surprise to many of us to hear McCain speaking about change during the Republican National Convention. Real True Internet News chatted with Senator Obama via Yahoo! Instant Messenger to get his perspective.

“Yeah, Senator McCain is now all of a sudden talking about change, after I’ve been using it as my main platform all year. At first I was a little ticked off but then I realized… McCain must be implying that he’s going to vote for ME, if he’s promising change. Nothing else would make any sense.”

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s (who is fiercely anti-abortion) 17 year old daughter is pregnant.

Real True Internet News wondered if she might have an abortion. We contacted Palin’s public relations manager, Wendy Hawk, this morning.

It’s a well known fact that Governor Palin is strictly against abortion, so I don’t think her own daughter would dare participate in such folly as to have that procedure performed. However, this is politics and politicians do change their minds. Coming out as pro-abortion could gain Palin some support from the Hillary Clinton fans who want to see a woman in the White House but are pro-abortion.

We then asked Hawk for her views on abortion.

Both sides on the abortion issue are right. No, wait, I mean… uhhh, it depends on what happens later. No comment. I’m not at liberty to say. No, I’ll stick with my original comment. Both sides are right.

CNN has honored Real True Internet News once again by coming up with a headline more suited to our web site than theirs… U.S. exports cigarettes, bras, bull semen to Iran.

The CNN story states: U.S. exports to Iran — including brassieres, bull semen, cosmetics and possibly even weapons — grew more than tenfold during President Bush’s years in office even as he accused Iran of nuclear ambitions and helping terrorists. America sent more cigarettes to Iran, at least $158 million worth under Bush, than any other products.

Real True Internet News sent our political correspondent to the Oval Office this morning to ask President Bush for clarification of the issue.

“You have to understand that the Muslim culture and way of doing things is different from us. First they asked for bull semen and Laura and I were like ‘oh my God, what do they want with SEMEN?’ but then they explained they’re running out of beef and milk because their cows are so damn ugly that the bulls won’t impregnate them. So we started selling them bull semen… how do they do that anyway? I sure wouldn’t want that job. But the point is, they proved their honesty and intentions by following up with a request for bras and cosmetics.

Obviously they have to dress up their cows to look sexy so the bulls will start doing their job. Right? It all makes perfect sense. And the cigarettes too. Although maybe they chew on em instead of smoking em. The bulls, that is. They have maybe one or two bulls they have to use to impregnate a whole flock of cows so they reward em with a pack of Camels.

Notice how Mahmoud (heh, mah MOOOOOed) Armani… Armandhammer… Amagiciandad… uhhh, the president of Iran … just this morning he said there would be NO WAR with the USA. And this is why. We keep em supplied with what they need.”

CNN is providing much entertainment for the staff of Real True Internet News today and we have to wonder if they think today is April Fool’s Day. Their latest story involves some kind of accusation made against Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama about distorting the Bible. From CNN:

In comments to be aired on his radio show Tuesday, Focus on the Family founder James Dobson criticizes the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee for comments he made in a June 2006 speech to the liberal Christian group Call to Renewal.

In the speech, Obama suggested that it would be impractical to govern based solely on the word of the Bible, noting that some passages suggest slavery is permissible and eating shellfish is disgraceful.

Real True Internet News would also like to point out the following excerpts from the Bible:

Leviticus 5 discusses how to properly sacrifice birds:

7 And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering.

9 And he shall sprinkle of the blood of the sin offering upon the side of the altar; and the rest of the blood shall be wrung out at the bottom of the altar: it is a sin offering.

Numbers 31 discusses what to do with captured enemies:

18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Deuteronomy 25 suggests amputation as a punishment when wives argue with their husbands:

11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:

12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

Real True Internet News officially takes the position that Obama is 100% right to keep this silly book out of politics.

During an argument over who was the better chess player, Republican candidate John McCain today challenged Democratic candidate Barack Obama to a chess match in lieu of an election.

“I’m tired of seeing the most popular person winning elections. There should be some criteria other than popularity which determines our next president. As Commander in Chief of our military, our president should exhibit excellent decision making and tactical skills. Chess is the perfect venue to establish who is the better tactician. If Senator Obama agrees, we will play a best of seven chess match to determine who will take the office of president in 2009.”

Senator Barack Obama left a message on the Real True Internet News answering machine today, in response to a voice mail we left him asking why he’d left his church of 20 years, Trinity United Church of Christ.

“They run that place like the mafia! You want anything big, you have to ask the God Father. For smaller stuff you can go to his consigliere, Jesus. Then you have the Virgin Mary… she doesn’t have a title but she’s like Carmela Soprano. You know? She’s not even a soldier but carries a lot of weight. Pastor is the first level of made guy, and all these reverends are jockeying for position to get their buttons. It’s crazy and I’m outta there.”

Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan mysteriously disappeared shortly after agreeing to testify before the House Judiciary Committee.

McClellan claimed to have knowledge about several issues which might implicate the Bush administration in wrongdoing.

Real True Internet News spoke with Mrs. McClellan briefly today.

“Scott was so excited about his new book and all the media attention. He kept saying how he was going to “tear Bush a new asshole” when he testified. But he went out to mow the lawn at around 11 this morning and I haven’t seen him since. There were some black helicopters flying around at the time but they all said “TV Traffic News” on the side. I hope Scott is OK.”

“I have a large United States map on the wall in my office… and the state of Kentucky just disappeared. It seems to have been absorbed by the bordering states.”

Senator Barack Obama today reported to Real True Internet News that he has lost Kentucky… it vanished from his official U.S. Senate map which he displays in his office. Real True Internet News reminded him that the media intends “losing Kentucky” to explain his loss to Hillary Clinton in the Democratic contest for presidential nominee in the state of Kentucky.

“Well  yeah, of course I know about that. But this other thing happened too.”

Moose University in Manitoba today released the results of a six month long study they conducted with infants.

700 four month old babies all cried when shown photos of Obama; while only 483 cried when shown pictures of Republican candidate John McCain and 512 cried when shown photos of Democratic contender Hillary Clinton.

When asked if he would drop from the race against Senator Clinton because of the results of this study, Obama stated that babies cannot vote.