The Real True Internet News

In a surprise announcement today, Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson stated that in addition to the federal government purchasing all the banks in the United States, they will be converted into Taco Bell restaurants.

Real True Internet News had lunch with Secretary Paulson at a local Washington, D.C. Taco Bell to get the details.

Well, it’s just common sense. Taco Bell has had great success and high profitability selling low priced food items like 59 cent tacos and 79 cent burritos. They’ve been in business since 1962. It’s a proven business model. Now, we’ve seen what happened with the business model banks were using… which is basically a pyramid scheme or Ponzi scheme. “Give us $1,000 and we’ll give you back $1,050 in a year.” Yeah right. There’s no product, no service. No inventory, no work to do. “Just let your money work for itself.” A pure hustle. And as is the case with pyramid schemes, they ultimately collapse.

You gotta have a product people can USE. If you were stranded on a desert island for the rest of your life, would you rather have a box full of taco shells and tortillas or a box full of money? Heh, I’d pick the money if there was no firewood but otherwise fish tacos are tastier than a five dollar bill.

Congress rejects the bailout plan… and the stock market crashes. Government officials warn there will be gloom and doom if the bailout is not approved. So Congress approves the bailout plan… and the stock market crashes. Gloom and doom happen anyway.

Except for the employees of the bailed out companies.

ABC News reports AIG Execs Head to California Resort.

AIG documents obtained by Waxman’s investigators show the company paid more than $440,000 for the retreat, including nearly $200,000 for rooms, $150,000 for meals and $23,000 in spa charges.

“They’re getting their pedicures and their manicures and the American people are paying for that,” said Cong. Elijah Cummings (D-MD).

Real True Internet News enjoys a good joke. But this is no joke. American patriots should consider the words of the Declaration of Independence:

That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.

The US House of Representatives has rejected the much talked about $700 billion bailout plan that was intended to save failing businesses at taxpayers’ expense.

Real True Internet News was on the House floor interviewing some of the representatives who had just voted against the bailout.

“My cousin Vinny in Brooklyn lost his job a few months ago and is now homeless. Nobody bailed him out. If government won’t bail out a citizen who only needs maybe $5,000 to get back on his feet, why the heck should we give $700,000,000,000 to corrupt financial institutions? It’s absurd. You could find 700,000 homeless people and give them each a million dollars instead. If you want to stimulate the economy, that’s the right way to do it. Cut loose 700,000 new millionaires who’ve been eating out of trash cans.”

“This bailout would have cost each American taxpayer $4,830. Taxpayers who earn maybe $25,000 to $50,000 per year. While the businesses being bailed out have been paying their top level executives millions of dollars per year. Let them bail themselves out. They can afford it.”

CNN reports mom gets life in prison for microwaving baby.

We thought this was some kind of sick joke being perpetrated by CNN, but it’s not. Real True Internet News sent our Dayton, Ohio correspondent to visit 28 year old China Arnold in jail after she received her life sentence.

“I don’t know nothing about taking care of no baby. I put stuff in the microwave all the time to heat it up, so when my baby was acting all bothered by the cold, I put her in the microwave to warm up. Wasn’t supposed to kill her. Well now I know, don’t put babies in a microwave. I don’t deserve life in prison for a stupid mistake.”

Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin’s (who is fiercely anti-abortion) 17 year old daughter is pregnant.

Real True Internet News wondered if she might have an abortion. We contacted Palin’s public relations manager, Wendy Hawk, this morning.

It’s a well known fact that Governor Palin is strictly against abortion, so I don’t think her own daughter would dare participate in such folly as to have that procedure performed. However, this is politics and politicians do change their minds. Coming out as pro-abortion could gain Palin some support from the Hillary Clinton fans who want to see a woman in the White House but are pro-abortion.

We then asked Hawk for her views on abortion.

Both sides on the abortion issue are right. No, wait, I mean… uhhh, it depends on what happens later. No comment. I’m not at liberty to say. No, I’ll stick with my original comment. Both sides are right.

That’s right, after my TV show ended I went legit. Opened a funeral home. I’m still in waste management too, I kind of combined the professions. I make much more income from the funeral business though. Soprano Family Funeral Home offers an unprecedented $49.95 full funeral and burial special. That’s about a thousand dollars cheaper than the cheapest funeral anyone else offers. We have a 5 minute service, you can add pizza and beer for $25, then we put you in a cardboard refrigerator box and dump you at the main landfill in Paramus, New Jersey. I mean, you’re dead, what the f*ck do you expect?

CNN reports that the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration) is having some kind of computer problems causing delays nationwide over the USA.

Of course, most people will immediately think “Al Queda!”, but we here at The Real True Internet News always make contact with the individuals involved in our stories before jumping to conclusions. We spoke to FAA Flight Officer Eduardo Oboe via satellite cell phone just moments ago.

“No, it’s not Al Queda. Some idiot flight controller found a way to download porn from the Internet through his workstation, and inadvertently downloaded a virus called “Me Love You Long Time” which is now infesting our flight systems. We should have this under control in an hour or two. Meanwhile, commercial pilots will just have to fly the old fashioned way, by sight.”

CNN reports that there are some people on the Department of Homeland Security “terrorist watch list” who perhaps should not be on it.

One James Robinson on the watch list is a commercial jet pilot who legally carries a handgun on board.

Another James Robinson on the list is eight years old. When Real True Internet News asked him if he is a terrorist, he said, “I don’t know.”

“Well there you go”, stated Dept. of Homeland Security official James Robinson. “He neither admitted nor denied being a terrorist, so, he belongs on the list. I’m on the list too, but that’s because some REAL terrorist must be using James Robinson as an alias. So all of us James Robinsons are on the list until they catch the bad guy.”

After a brief conflict, Russia says it is ready to negotiate with Georgia.

Real True Internet News sent correspondent Bunny Swan to downtown Atlanta Saturday afternoon to speak to some of the local residents.

“These big old tanks were rolling right down the middle of Peachtree Rd. this morning”, stated local resident Dale Crabtree. “I thought it was some kind of parade, you know, like on the Fourth of July? But it was Russian soldiers. And they seemed pretty confused, like they were asking the commanding officers “are we supposed to go take over that McDonalds? Or that Starbucks?” I don’t speak Russian but I could hear them shouting “McDonalds” and “Starbucks”. Some kids was taking the Starbucks logos off of coffee cups in the trash and sticking them over the red stars on the tanks. If this is an invasion they’re not doing a very good job.”

Etta Mae Campbell, another Atlanta resident, reported that some Russian soldiers showed up on her porch early this morning. “Yeah, they was asking me for peerogees or something like that. They was all acting like they was gonna come in my house for breakfast, but I just opened the door and let my two Rottweilers out and they took off pretty quick.”

Real True Internet News has discovered that Ricky Roma (formerly of Premier Properties) is now offering a courtesy class for real estate professionals. We contacted Roma at his office today to get more details.

“Ever since the Glengarry leads were stolen about 15 years ago, Premier Properties has gone downhill. So I quit about five years ago and started this courtesy class for real estate professionals. It’s $750 for three four hour classes spread across three days. Three business days, you don’t count Saturday.”

We asked Roma for some examples of what he teaches in class.

“Well, I take examples from real life. Like this one time I was speaking with Shelly Levene”:

Ricky Roma: How was her crumbcake?
Shelley Levene: Hmm? Oh… from the store.
Ricky Roma: F*ck her.

“See how easy that is? You make an inquiry to show interest; then halt the discussion of the subject quickly and effectively by displaying an appropriate level of courtesy. Here’s another example, this is from the time the office manager Williamson blew one of my sales:”

“You stupid f*cking c*nt. You, Williamson, I’m talking to you, sh!thead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That’s right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, @sshole? You’re f*cking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid f*cking c*nt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men? Oh, I’m gonna have your job, sh!thead.”
“See? That’s courtesy in action.”