The Real True Internet News

CNN reports Sudan plane hijacked to Libya.

Real True Internet News contacted the hijackers by cell phone to get the true story.

“We wanted to go to Egypt. You never hear about Egypt in the news, you know? There is always some problem in the United States, China, Russia, Nigeria, my home country Sudan… always something going on. But not in Egypt. You never hear about problems in Egypt. It must be a paradise. So we tried to go there, but the government said they would shoot down the plane if we tried to land there. So we said to hell with it, just go to Libya instead. WE ARE NOT TERRORISTS! No. We just can’t afford to go on vacation the usual way.”

CNN reports that there are some people on the Department of Homeland Security “terrorist watch list” who perhaps should not be on it.

One James Robinson on the watch list is a commercial jet pilot who legally carries a handgun on board.

Another James Robinson on the list is eight years old. When Real True Internet News asked him if he is a terrorist, he said, “I don’t know.”

“Well there you go”, stated Dept. of Homeland Security official James Robinson. “He neither admitted nor denied being a terrorist, so, he belongs on the list. I’m on the list too, but that’s because some REAL terrorist must be using James Robinson as an alias. So all of us James Robinsons are on the list until they catch the bad guy.”

CNN reports that the Pirates have taken four European tourists hostage. Real True Internet News placed several phone calls to Pirates management to clarify the situation but they hung up on us each time; so we showed up at the Pirates locker room where we found pitcher Lyle Hand willing to talk.

“I haven’t heard anything about it. We need some good infielders but I don’t know what we’d do with four European tourists. Maybe plant them in the spectator stands to cheer for us?”

Real True Internet News will continue its investigation to seek the truth. Meanwhile, we can’t help but wonder if CNN is just wrong?

Real True Internet News learned today that George Carlin is going on a secret mission to find Osama Bin-Laden in the Afghanistan area. Carlin called us from a cell phone during his 12 hour flight today.

“The “OFFICIAL” story is that I’m dead. But I’m really going undercover on a secret government mission to find Bin-Laden. Nobody is going to believe your ridiculous “Real True Internet News” site so there’s no worry about my cover being blown. I already grew a beard and everything.

About a week ago I decided that 6 years and 9 months has been long enough for this lunatic to be on the loose, so I took it upon myself to go find him since the entire coalition military can’t find him. I think that one guy can be more effective than a bunch of guys. Right? It’s less conspicuous.

When I find Bin-Laden I’m going to tell him jokes until he dies laughing. I memorized them in Arabic just in case he doesn’t know English. I heard that he hangs out at a strip club in Kabul and I expect to find him pretty easily.”

“I just wave my hand like this - and BAM! You have malignant tumor. BAM! You have lung cancer. BAM! You have missing bladder. BAM! You have bad headache. The power of Allah flows through my fingers.”

An Al Queda operative who would only identify himself as “Akbar Smith” today claimed responsibility for causing the malignant tumor recently discovered in Senator Ted Kennedy.

“You remember James Brown? Anna Nicole Smith? Heath Ledger? Eddy Arnold? I killed them. I just wave my hand like this - and BAM!”

Real True Internet News asked Akbar to provide a demonstration of his power.

“I do not kill indiscriminately. I only kill those who Allah commands me to kill. You are lucky today, you are not on the list.”

Real True Internet News received a phone call today from Larry King, who informed us that he has invited God and Allah to a “round table” discussion on Larry King Live in the near future.

“Maybe we can put an end to this Al Queda nonsense once and for all by inviting the head guys here to meet and discuss what’s going on. Right? Al Queda says they’re committing acts of war on behalf of their God, Allah; and wants the whole world to convert to Islam. The United States is mostly Christian and wants to stay committed to their God, the Biblical God. But so far the “generals” in this conflict have not shown up to explain their positions. So I hired a Protestant Reverend and a Muslim Imam to pray to their respective Gods for me and extend an invitation to appear on my show on December 25, 2008. Or the next year if they can’t make it on that date. Or the next year. Whenever. I just want to hear both sides of the story from the head guys.”

Real True Internet News was granted an exclusive interview with Al Queda seventh in command Albeck El-Swaranimini at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility early last week. As expected, El-Swaranimini would not tell us where Osama is hiding or reveal any details about planned future Al Queda terrorist activity; but he did reveal several secret Al Queda training camp techniques.

“One thing all new recruits must do on their first day in training camp, is to sodomize a chicken. This proves to us their fortitude under difficult circumstances and demonstrates their devotion to Allah. The chicken is then sacrificed and consumed in a ritual fashion.

Recruits must also consume large quantities of junk food without becoming obese in order to prove that they are stronger than the infidels. We have contracts with several fast food outlets and candy companies who parachute supplies to our training camps on a daily basis. Of course we don’t tell them that we’re an Al Queda training camp, we usually tell them we’re a secret country club.

Graduation day is the most important ceremony. The recruit must decapitate himself to prove his allegiance. Of course, we stop them before they can do any serious damage; but the ones who are most willing to decapitate themselves without hesitation are made officers because they are the most stupid. I meant to say most brave.”