The Real True Internet News

When the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest atom smasher, is turned on in August 2008; some people believe it may result in a cataclysm like creating a black hole that will swallow the earth or opening a time space portal to the Borg empire.

Walter L. Wagner, a physicist and lawyer, said Wednesday CERN’s safety report, released June 20, “has several major flaws,” and his views on the risks of using the particle accelerator had not changed. Wagner stated that the device could allow the Borg to “warp” into our system and assimilate the human race.

“You know what they say, resistance is futile. The Borg are some mean mofo’s. You think that guy with a Bluetooth headset looks weird, wait until the Borg replace your eyes and strap a supercomputer to your skull.”

Physicist Martin Rees has estimated the chance of an accelerator producing a portal for the Borg at one in 50 million.

CNN continues to pull our legs with this story of a shape shifting skyscraper.

Real True Internet News contacted the alleged architect, David Fisher, to find out if this is true.

“Yes it is true. Dubai is one of the wealthiest nations in the world, so they presented my company with the challenge of building a 420 meter tower (I wonder why they chose 420?) at the highest cost possible. I asked “Don’t you mean the LOWEST possible cost?” and they said no, the HIGHEST possible cost. I was told that they have so much money they don’t know what to do with it, and they’re looking for ways to increase frivolous spending. I suggested several possibilities including an underwater tower and a flying tower which hovers above the ground. Stuff that hasn’t been done in Las Vegas yet. Then they said not just to spend as much as possible but make the structure in such a way that people won’t mind going into it. So we finally agreed on this idea of building a tower with floors that independently rotate like carousels. It should be fun.”

Real True Internet News received a beta version of the new Apple Eye Phone last week and we’re pleased to report it’s a wonderfully versatile product. Apple CEO Steve Jobs included a letter describing its many functions.

“Our first product, the I Phone, was designed kind of hastily so we used it as a starting point for the new Eye Phone. In addition to surfing the Internet, making cellular phone calls, sending and receiving e-mail, storing and playing multimedia files, and taking pictures; the new Eye Phone replaces the human eye and interfaces with the brain via the optic nerve. This allows Eye Phone to use the brain as storage rather than the old fashioned flash memory or hard drive. So now not only do you get virtually unlimited storage capacity but your data is impossible to lose, and you can simply THINK a command rather than having to type it or use a touch screen and cellular calls can take place silently. You just have to think what you intend to say. You can also mentally compose e-mail messages instead of typing them. This is a big step in the venue of telecommunications.”