The Real True Internet News

Real True Internet News has discovered that Ricky Roma (formerly of Premier Properties) is now offering a courtesy class for real estate professionals. We contacted Roma at his office today to get more details.

“Ever since the Glengarry leads were stolen about 15 years ago, Premier Properties has gone downhill. So I quit about five years ago and started this courtesy class for real estate professionals. It’s $750 for three four hour classes spread across three days. Three business days, you don’t count Saturday.”

We asked Roma for some examples of what he teaches in class.

“Well, I take examples from real life. Like this one time I was speaking with Shelly Levene”:

Ricky Roma: How was her crumbcake?
Shelley Levene: Hmm? Oh… from the store.
Ricky Roma: F*ck her.

“See how easy that is? You make an inquiry to show interest; then halt the discussion of the subject quickly and effectively by displaying an appropriate level of courtesy. Here’s another example, this is from the time the office manager Williamson blew one of my sales:”

“You stupid f*cking c*nt. You, Williamson, I’m talking to you, sh!thead. You just cost me $6,000. Six thousand dollars, and one Cadillac. That’s right. What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, @sshole? You’re f*cking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid f*cking c*nt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men? Oh, I’m gonna have your job, sh!thead.”
“See? That’s courtesy in action.”

We found this story about an 80 year old stripper, Tempest Storm, on CNN. What? Did Obama take a nap? Bush go on vacation? Al Queda convert to Scientology?

Well, however lazy those other news sites become, the Real True Internet News remains dedicated to reporting the REAL TRUE news to you, via the Internet. So we sent our Las Vegas correspondent to ask Ms. Storm: who wants to watch an 80 year old stripper?

“Actually, nobody. So what I do is a reverse strip. I walk out onto the stage naked carrying a pile of clothes, and the more tips I get, the faster I get dressed. They all yell “PUT IT ON!” at me instead of “TAKE IT OFF!” I made $700 last night. So I’m not really a stripper… I guess I should be called a dresser.”

Actress Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins in France on Saturday. Considering the fact that about one million babies are born worldwide each day, Real True Internet News does not care if Angelina Jolie or any other celebrity gave birth recently. Unless it was something really weird, like if Brad Pitt had a litter of puppies; they would be a new breed. Brad Pitt Bulls.

Despite our lack of interest in this story, Angelina slept in front of our office overnight and has been begging us to let her make a statement since 6:00 a.m. So here it is.

“I had twins on Saturday; a boy, Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline. I’ve already signed them on to star in an installment of the Tomb Raider franchise as soon as they can walk and talk. Knox will be a guest on Letterman next week and Vivienne will be giving tips about how to experience an easy birthing on the Tara Banks show in September. I think Tara messed up on that topic since the only interested viewers would be fetuses. And maybe Hindus since they get reincarnated. I know they won’t be able to talk that soon so I’ve hired my father Jon Voight and Rosie O’Donnell to do voice overs for their TV appearances until they can speak. Thank you everyone for your support.”

Cindy Brady made CNN headlines over a recent radio show appearance, where she was hung over and nearly vomited.

Cindy’s public relations firm issued a press release stating: “There is too much focus on Greg and Marcia and Jan and Peter and Bobby. Cindy feels neglected and was driven to alcohol. She’s in Alcoholics Anonymous and we are confident she’ll overcome this problem.”

Carol and Mike Brady placed a conference call to Real True Internet News to tell us “we’ve grounded Cindy and will never let her appear on radio talk shows again.”

Our second favorite news site CNN has once again provided us with a sex scandal headline: ‘Mini-Me’ sues over sex tape sale.

We here at Real True Internet News think that we’re pretty funny; but we rarely come up with headlines that are as humorous as those provided by CNN.

Anyway. Actor Vern Troyer (famous for his role as Mini-Me in Austin Powers in Goldmember) is suing the web site tmz.com for $20 million over the online posting of a sex video (a clip is currently on You Tube but probably won’t last long.)

Sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider called Real True Internet News to insist that Austin Powers star Vern Troyer is “proportionate” for a man of 2 ft 8 in… when Troyer grabbed the phone from her.

“Size isn’t the issue. No. The reason I’m suing is that tmz.com, by posting this video they did not have permission to post, divulged sex secrets I personally developed for my own personal use. My sexual techniques are worth a lot of money. In 1993, Jerry Seinfeld paid me $50,000 to explain my “Venus Butterfly” technique to him, then another $150,000 to let him use it as a topic on an episode of his show. Porn star Ron Jeremy paid me $10,000 in 1997 to reveal my “Power Thrust” technique. Just a few months ago Madonna paid me $25,000 to demonstrate my “Flying Mount” maneuver. All this is in the video and now it’s out there and I’ve lost a good income stream. So I’ll be seeing tmz.com in court.”

The Incredible Hulk, starring Edward Norton, opened today in theaters nationwide.

Real True Internet News tracked down Norton for an exclusive interview.

“The 2003 film Hulk, starring Eric Bana, didn’t do so good at the box office. Before that, in 1978, there was some nonsense on TV starring Bill Bixby as The Incredible Hulk. I mean, Mister Eddie’s Father as a big green monster, just didn’t go over very well. Bixby came back in 1989 to direct The Trial of the Incredible Hulk. Courtroom drama and a big green monster? I wonder if he “hulked out” on the stand. Bixby finally gave up in 1990 by killing himself off in The Death of the Incredible Hulk. Way back in 1966, there was a cartoon version. And there have been a few other variations on the Hulk theme… The Hulk Whisperer, Star Hulks, Kung Fu Hulk, The Invisible Hulk, The Third Hulk, Hulk vs. Predator, The Hulk Meets The Sopranos, Hulk Taxi Driver, Hulk Poppins…

What we’ve attempted to do is produce THE definitive Incredible Hulk film, so everyone will just stop making Hulk movies. It’s the only way to put an end to it.”

The soldier made famous recently in the video of him allegedly tossing a puppy over a cliff has signed a 3 year contract for a new TV show. Production will begin after he is released from military prison.

“So yeah I’m the star of the show. It’s a sitcom and each episode is written in such a way as to incorporate me throwing a small animal from a high place as a critical plot point. I’ve seen some of the scripts. In one episode I throw a hamster off the roof of a hotel. In another episode I throw a bunny off a bridge. It’s gonna be a really good show.”

Real True Internet News learned today that Sean Connery will reclaim the role he first played over 40 years ago as Agent 007, James Bond.

“If that old geezer Harrison Ford can come back as Indiana Jones, I can come back as 007. He’s only 12 years younger than me. Damn, I still look younger than him anyway.”

An unidentified insider at Paramount Pictures revealed that the new film to be released in 2010 will involve a villain living in a retirement home and feature 007 in a tricked out wheelchair that can fly, travel underwater, and fire 2,000 rounds of .38 caliber ammunition per second.

“I’d love to go up against Indy with his whip. What a joke… a WHIP! Oooh I’m so scared.”