The Real True Internet News

Scientists from five major U.S. universities today announced the findings of a five year study they’ve been conducting of a revolutionary new weight loss program. Dr. Horace McGillicuddy spoke to Real True Internet News today to give us the exclusive story.

“People have always tried to lose weight by eating less. And it usually works. But we found that the reverse strategy… eating MORE… actually works better. Our control group of 100 overweight people who were placed on standard low calorie diets each lost an average of 26 pounds over the five year period; while the 100 people who were placed on the new high calorie diet each lost an average of 66 pounds. The secret is to eat a lot every day. The typical overweight person flip flops between dieting and overeating; which causes weight gain. You just have to be consistent to lose weight. Eat more, or eat less, but do it every day. Don’t switch back and forth.”

Dr. McGillicuddy’s sample menu recommends a four egg omelet with biscuits and gravy for breakfast; pancakes and 12 link sausages for second breakfast; double bacon cheeseburger with french fries for lunch; 16 ounces of Doritos for after lunch snack; two chili dogs with cheese for the pre-dinner appetizer; a large pizza with a six pack of beer for dinner; two quarts of ice cream for dessert; and a full box of Oreo cookies or Chips Ahoy! with a quart of milk as a bedtime snack.

We found this story about an 80 year old stripper, Tempest Storm, on CNN. What? Did Obama take a nap? Bush go on vacation? Al Queda convert to Scientology?

Well, however lazy those other news sites become, the Real True Internet News remains dedicated to reporting the REAL TRUE news to you, via the Internet. So we sent our Las Vegas correspondent to ask Ms. Storm: who wants to watch an 80 year old stripper?

“Actually, nobody. So what I do is a reverse strip. I walk out onto the stage naked carrying a pile of clothes, and the more tips I get, the faster I get dressed. They all yell “PUT IT ON!” at me instead of “TAKE IT OFF!” I made $700 last night. So I’m not really a stripper… I guess I should be called a dresser.”

Actress Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins in France on Saturday. Considering the fact that about one million babies are born worldwide each day, Real True Internet News does not care if Angelina Jolie or any other celebrity gave birth recently. Unless it was something really weird, like if Brad Pitt had a litter of puppies; they would be a new breed. Brad Pitt Bulls.

Despite our lack of interest in this story, Angelina slept in front of our office overnight and has been begging us to let her make a statement since 6:00 a.m. So here it is.

“I had twins on Saturday; a boy, Knox Leon, and a girl, Vivienne Marcheline. I’ve already signed them on to star in an installment of the Tomb Raider franchise as soon as they can walk and talk. Knox will be a guest on Letterman next week and Vivienne will be giving tips about how to experience an easy birthing on the Tara Banks show in September. I think Tara messed up on that topic since the only interested viewers would be fetuses. And maybe Hindus since they get reincarnated. I know they won’t be able to talk that soon so I’ve hired my father Jon Voight and Rosie O’Donnell to do voice overs for their TV appearances until they can speak. Thank you everyone for your support.”

CNN reports that a snake-handling pastor has been arrested in Kentucky.

Real True Internet News contacted Pastor Gregory James Coots to get his side of the story.

“It was a sting operation. The police pretended to not be police, bought some snakes from me then arrested me for having and selling them. “Illegal reptiles” they say. Whatever happened to freedom of religion? Only two members of my congregation have died from snakebites so far. Good Christians can handle deadly snakes and not have to worry about it, because it says that in the Bible. It’s in Luke 10:19 - “Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.” See? Those two who died must have been evil, followers of Satan or something. Every Sunday we have about 100 people come to service, maybe 20 kids, and they all play with my snakes. It’s lots of fun. Except for the two that died.”

CNN has honored Real True Internet News once again by coming up with a headline more suited to our web site than theirs… U.S. exports cigarettes, bras, bull semen to Iran.

The CNN story states: U.S. exports to Iran — including brassieres, bull semen, cosmetics and possibly even weapons — grew more than tenfold during President Bush’s years in office even as he accused Iran of nuclear ambitions and helping terrorists. America sent more cigarettes to Iran, at least $158 million worth under Bush, than any other products.

Real True Internet News sent our political correspondent to the Oval Office this morning to ask President Bush for clarification of the issue.

“You have to understand that the Muslim culture and way of doing things is different from us. First they asked for bull semen and Laura and I were like ‘oh my God, what do they want with SEMEN?’ but then they explained they’re running out of beef and milk because their cows are so damn ugly that the bulls won’t impregnate them. So we started selling them bull semen… how do they do that anyway? I sure wouldn’t want that job. But the point is, they proved their honesty and intentions by following up with a request for bras and cosmetics.

Obviously they have to dress up their cows to look sexy so the bulls will start doing their job. Right? It all makes perfect sense. And the cigarettes too. Although maybe they chew on em instead of smoking em. The bulls, that is. They have maybe one or two bulls they have to use to impregnate a whole flock of cows so they reward em with a pack of Camels.

Notice how Mahmoud (heh, mah MOOOOOed) Armani… Armandhammer… Amagiciandad… uhhh, the president of Iran … just this morning he said there would be NO WAR with the USA. And this is why. We keep em supplied with what they need.”

Today marks the third day of a Las Vegas Local Gamblers Union labor dispute. Real True Internet News called strike leader “Lucky” Larry Cash for a statement about the strike.

“When the Union was formed in the late sixties, you could make a living at casino gambling. Blackjack games all used one deck and you could make about $100 per day counting cards. You could sit in at a poker game full of tourists and make $500 easy in a couple hours. Now it’s all changed. For blackjack they stuff eight or ten decks into a big plastic thing they call a shoe so counting is useless. The poker players all think they’re the next Johnny Chan or Chris Moneymaker, wearing sunglasses at the table, and you can’t figure out their tells as easy anymore. People work to make money but our Union members have been working to lose money. You can’t win in the casinos so much anymore. So we’re on strike until they change the blackjack tables back to single decks and get rid of all those World Poker Tour wannabe champions. The strike could last a very long time.”

An unruly family was kicked off a flight in Phoenix on the way from Detroit to Seattle.

Wendy Slaughter was traveling with her four children and pregnant sister from Detroit to Seattle with a stopover in Phoenix. At the Phoenix airport they were detained by police and told they were not allowed to continue flying to Seattle.

Slaughter contacted Real True Internet News today to tell us what happened.

“My 10 year old has autism and my six year old has cerebral palsy. So what if they were playing hopscotch in the aisle? Kids are kids you know. It wasn’t their fault that all the toilets overflowed when they were playing boat races in the restrooms. The arrows all had rubber suction cup tips when they were playing cowboys and Indians, and only the inside window broke during the racquetball game. If the outside window had broken too and all the air got sucked out of the cabin, then that would have been a problem. But we paid our fare like everyone else so how dare they kick us off.”

CNN reports a fake priest was caught trying to hear confessions in St. Peter’s Basilica and was tried by a Vatican tribunal, a Vatican judge said in an interview published Saturday.

Real True Internet News held a video conference with our correspondent in Rome, Father Guido Sarducci, who explained the incident.

“You could fool the Vatican police, you could fool churchgoers, you could maybe even fool the Pope; but you cannot fool God. This fake priest, he was very stupid, thinking he could fool God; who is the boss of priests. It doesn’t matter what you do. You could put on a big floppy hat, a priest suit, a fake mustache, whatever. God still sees who you are. I’m surprised this priest impersonator didn’t just burst into flames when he entered the holy area of the church. I bet it was Jesus who saved him. You know how God is always all angry and shouting at Moses and punishing people but Jesus says be nice. I think Jesus has the same power as God, so maybe it was Jesus spotted the fake priest first before God could make him burst into flame or turn into a pillar of salt. But it’s the same thing either way. You cannot fool omnipotent omnipresent beings. What the heck was this guy thinking!?”

Cindy Brady made CNN headlines over a recent radio show appearance, where she was hung over and nearly vomited.

Cindy’s public relations firm issued a press release stating: “There is too much focus on Greg and Marcia and Jan and Peter and Bobby. Cindy feels neglected and was driven to alcohol. She’s in Alcoholics Anonymous and we are confident she’ll overcome this problem.”

Carol and Mike Brady placed a conference call to Real True Internet News to tell us “we’ve grounded Cindy and will never let her appear on radio talk shows again.”

On Monday August 8, 2005 President Bush signed into law a broad energy bill that extended Daylight Saving Time by four weeks beginning in 2007.

Today - July 1, 2008 - Bush has announced that he is canceling the Fourth of July. Real True Internet News spoke to the President in the Oval Office this morning.

“It’s just another day. In the past, July 4th has typically been the most dangerous day for children. Blowing off their fingers with firecrackers, you know? And the old folks don’t like the constant POP POP POP all day long. So in the interest of protecting children and giving senior citizens some peace of mind, I’m just canceling July 4. We’ll go from July 3 to July 5. No big deal. Right? It’s just like Daylight Savings Time; instead of going ahead one hour we’ll go ahead 24 hours. And Thanksgiving and Christmas will come a day earlier from now on forever.”