The Real True Internet News

Our second favorite news site CNN has once again provided us with a sex scandal headline: ‘Mini-Me’ sues over sex tape sale.

We here at Real True Internet News think that we’re pretty funny; but we rarely come up with headlines that are as humorous as those provided by CNN.

Anyway. Actor Vern Troyer (famous for his role as Mini-Me in Austin Powers in Goldmember) is suing the web site tmz.com for $20 million over the online posting of a sex video (a clip is currently on You Tube but probably won’t last long.)

Sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider called Real True Internet News to insist that Austin Powers star Vern Troyer is “proportionate” for a man of 2 ft 8 in… when Troyer grabbed the phone from her.

“Size isn’t the issue. No. The reason I’m suing is that tmz.com, by posting this video they did not have permission to post, divulged sex secrets I personally developed for my own personal use. My sexual techniques are worth a lot of money. In 1993, Jerry Seinfeld paid me $50,000 to explain my “Venus Butterfly” technique to him, then another $150,000 to let him use it as a topic on an episode of his show. Porn star Ron Jeremy paid me $10,000 in 1997 to reveal my “Power Thrust” technique. Just a few months ago Madonna paid me $25,000 to demonstrate my “Flying Mount” maneuver. All this is in the video and now it’s out there and I’ve lost a good income stream. So I’ll be seeing tmz.com in court.”

When the Large Hadron Collider, the world’s largest atom smasher, is turned on in August 2008; some people believe it may result in a cataclysm like creating a black hole that will swallow the earth or opening a time space portal to the Borg empire.

Walter L. Wagner, a physicist and lawyer, said Wednesday CERN’s safety report, released June 20, “has several major flaws,” and his views on the risks of using the particle accelerator had not changed. Wagner stated that the device could allow the Borg to “warp” into our system and assimilate the human race.

“You know what they say, resistance is futile. The Borg are some mean mofo’s. You think that guy with a Bluetooth headset looks weird, wait until the Borg replace your eyes and strap a supercomputer to your skull.”

Physicist Martin Rees has estimated the chance of an accelerator producing a portal for the Borg at one in 50 million.

Real True Internet News loves finding this kind of sensational headline. As CNN reports, Malaysian opposition leader accused of sodomy.

Malaysian opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim took refuge Sunday at the Turkish Embassy after police began probing an allegation that he sodomized his male aide. (They said “PROBING”, heh heh.)

Ibrahim has a past history of this behavior as well: But it all unraveled in 1998 when he was accused of sodomizing his driver and abusing his power to cover up the deed.

The CNN article also points out that sodomy, even if consensual, is punishable by 20 years’ imprisonment in Muslim-majority Malaysia. So apparently the issue is not one of forcible rape but rather sexual preference.

To clarify, Real True Internet News contacted Ibrahim via the Turkish Embassy satellite telephone.

“Actually it is all your fault. I have Internet access. On May 13, 2008 I read the Real True Internet News article titled Al Queda Operative Reveals Training Techniques and was fascinated with the idea of sodomizing a chicken, as mentioned in the article. So I sodomized a chicken and then went on what you might call a “sodomy spree.” My attorney has advised me to consider a lawsuit against Real True Internet News for causing me this temporary insanity.”

Lt. Jim Dangle, legal consultant to The Real True Internet News, stated that we “have nothing to worry about since sodomy is legal in the United States.”

CNN continues to pull our legs with this story of a shape shifting skyscraper.

Real True Internet News contacted the alleged architect, David Fisher, to find out if this is true.

“Yes it is true. Dubai is one of the wealthiest nations in the world, so they presented my company with the challenge of building a 420 meter tower (I wonder why they chose 420?) at the highest cost possible. I asked “Don’t you mean the LOWEST possible cost?” and they said no, the HIGHEST possible cost. I was told that they have so much money they don’t know what to do with it, and they’re looking for ways to increase frivolous spending. I suggested several possibilities including an underwater tower and a flying tower which hovers above the ground. Stuff that hasn’t been done in Las Vegas yet. Then they said not just to spend as much as possible but make the structure in such a way that people won’t mind going into it. So we finally agreed on this idea of building a tower with floors that independently rotate like carousels. It should be fun.”

CNN is providing much entertainment for the staff of Real True Internet News today and we have to wonder if they think today is April Fool’s Day. Their latest story involves some kind of accusation made against Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama about distorting the Bible. From CNN:

In comments to be aired on his radio show Tuesday, Focus on the Family founder James Dobson criticizes the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee for comments he made in a June 2006 speech to the liberal Christian group Call to Renewal.

In the speech, Obama suggested that it would be impractical to govern based solely on the word of the Bible, noting that some passages suggest slavery is permissible and eating shellfish is disgraceful.

Real True Internet News would also like to point out the following excerpts from the Bible:

Leviticus 5 discusses how to properly sacrifice birds:

7 And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering.

9 And he shall sprinkle of the blood of the sin offering upon the side of the altar; and the rest of the blood shall be wrung out at the bottom of the altar: it is a sin offering.

Numbers 31 discusses what to do with captured enemies:

18 But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Deuteronomy 25 suggests amputation as a punishment when wives argue with their husbands:

11 When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets:

12 Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her.

Real True Internet News officially takes the position that Obama is 100% right to keep this silly book out of politics.

CNN reports that the Pirates have taken four European tourists hostage. Real True Internet News placed several phone calls to Pirates management to clarify the situation but they hung up on us each time; so we showed up at the Pirates locker room where we found pitcher Lyle Hand willing to talk.

“I haven’t heard anything about it. We need some good infielders but I don’t know what we’d do with four European tourists. Maybe plant them in the spectator stands to cheer for us?”

Real True Internet News will continue its investigation to seek the truth. Meanwhile, we can’t help but wonder if CNN is just wrong?

Real True Internet News learned today that George Carlin is going on a secret mission to find Osama Bin-Laden in the Afghanistan area. Carlin called us from a cell phone during his 12 hour flight today.

“The “OFFICIAL” story is that I’m dead. But I’m really going undercover on a secret government mission to find Bin-Laden. Nobody is going to believe your ridiculous “Real True Internet News” site so there’s no worry about my cover being blown. I already grew a beard and everything.

About a week ago I decided that 6 years and 9 months has been long enough for this lunatic to be on the loose, so I took it upon myself to go find him since the entire coalition military can’t find him. I think that one guy can be more effective than a bunch of guys. Right? It’s less conspicuous.

When I find Bin-Laden I’m going to tell him jokes until he dies laughing. I memorized them in Arabic just in case he doesn’t know English. I heard that he hangs out at a strip club in Kabul and I expect to find him pretty easily.”

Real True Internet News received a beta version of the new Apple Eye Phone last week and we’re pleased to report it’s a wonderfully versatile product. Apple CEO Steve Jobs included a letter describing its many functions.

“Our first product, the I Phone, was designed kind of hastily so we used it as a starting point for the new Eye Phone. In addition to surfing the Internet, making cellular phone calls, sending and receiving e-mail, storing and playing multimedia files, and taking pictures; the new Eye Phone replaces the human eye and interfaces with the brain via the optic nerve. This allows Eye Phone to use the brain as storage rather than the old fashioned flash memory or hard drive. So now not only do you get virtually unlimited storage capacity but your data is impossible to lose, and you can simply THINK a command rather than having to type it or use a touch screen and cellular calls can take place silently. You just have to think what you intend to say. You can also mentally compose e-mail messages instead of typing them. This is a big step in the venue of telecommunications.”

When Al Gore invented the Internet, Google was not even an idea. Today, Google owns the entire Internet. Google CEO Joe Googley sent Real True Internet News an e-mail explaining how this happened.

“Well, we simply bought all the servers in the world a few at a time, and now we own all of them so we therefore own the Internet. I remember when Al Gore invented the Internet, I thought to myself that I’d like to own something like that. Now I do. While Yahoo! and Microsoft and Amazon.com may still think they own something, they really don’t since we can just shut off their web sites any time. They might still own real estate and products and stuff, but let’s see them stay in business without web sites.

Next month we’ll be revising our search algorithms and introducing a new version of Google Search which will only list web sites we like. Our favorites will rank higher than sites we’re not so crazy about. If we hate a web site it will not be indexed. And we’ll be replacing all search engine databases with our own. So if we don’t like a web site, nobody will ever find it. That’s the way the Internet should be.”

Sentenced to 20 years in prison for stealing more than $450 million dollars from investors, Samuel Israel III left behind a 2006 GMC Envoy with the note “Suicide is painless” written in dust on the hood.

Authorities are asking themselves “did Samuel Israel III kill himself or fake his own death to escape a 20-year prison sentence?”, but Real True Internet News knows the truth. A man claiming to be Israel called us from a caller-ID blocked cell phone today.

“Yeah, I was supposed to report to prison today to begin a 20 year sentence. But ya know, I still had about $80 million in cash hidden away. What good would that $80 million do me sitting in prison? I’m 48 years old, I’m not gonna sit in a cement box until I’m 68. So instead of reporting to prison I got myself a nice $20 million boat which I’ll live on until I find a nice tropical island to retire to. Some island where they don’t have an extradition treaty with the USA, you know? It’ll be a real boost to their economy to have me spend my leftover $60 million on cars, houses, booze and broads and stuff.

I think anyone else would make the same decision under the circumstances. You have $80 million and can either A) report to prison for 20 years, or B) leave the country with $80 million. Or do like I did and buy a cool boat or even a small jet and have around $60 million left over. I can’t imagine why the police even are considering option C) kill yourself. Like, hey, these are your options: you can party hearty for the rest of your life with millions of dollars, or go to prison, or die. Which is it? Damn, some people are stupid. Like I really would’ve killed myself. Ha ha.”