Republicans Question Obama Happy Meal
RNC (Republican National Committee) Chairman Michael Steele showed up at a Washington DC area McDonald’s restaurant today to question the front counter employee who allegedly sold President Obama a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” at lunchtime today.
“What has Barack Obama done to deserve a Happy Meal?” Steele asked, we’re not sure if he was asking rhetorically, when Real True Internet News contacted him today.
“Obama has done nothing but make me miserable”, said Steele. “If he was buying one of them Big Macs or Fishburger things I have no problem with that. But a HAPPY MEAL?! The audacity of the man shocks me. Next thing you know he’ll be handing out free Happy Meals to illegal immigrants on the public option of his health plan. Happy Meal my ass.”
Obama Tries to Brainwash Children
Some parents are enraged over a speech President Obama is going to make on Tuesday, Sept 8. as our nation’s students head back to school.
“It’s absurd”, stated one parent, Twit Palin. “I can’t believe he’s actually going to say something like that… write a letter describing how you would help the president. Oh my God. It’s preposterous! I can’t believe it. It’s like he wants to eliminate the nation’s Christian day care centers and have all those kids working for him like mindless zombies instead of being in day care. I’m very upset.”
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Christian Values Enrage Republicans
Town hall meetings on health care found Republicans ranting about Obama’s proposed crack down on greed in the health insurance industry and offer of free health care for the uninsured.
One man identifying himself as “Joe the surgeon” told us “we (Republicans) only like to talk about values like kindness and generosity… we have no intention of actually demonstrating such silly values. Pretty soon Obama will be saying everyone should have FOOD and a PLACE TO LIVE too. My father worked hard to pay for the house I inherited from him. Well yeah so I got it for free but that’s different.”
Mandalay Bay Las Vegas Offers Intergalactic Vacations
Mandalay Bay Las Vegas is now offering upscale travelers the option of visiting other galaxies during their stay at the popular resort. MGM Mirage CEO James Martian gave us an interview to explain the exciting details about this new attraction.
Martian: “We’ve basically integrated an FTL (faster than light) engine with the hotel’s HVAC (heating, ventilation & air conditioning) system. FTL was something we picked up from the science fiction TV series Battlestar Galactica (not the 1970s one with the fake looking Cylons). By re-watching a few key episodes several dozen times, we figured out how to actually build a faster than light engine. We also checked to make sure no one else had already patented a faster than light engine.
So, in addition to the standard $200 VIP package offered on our web site (where a limo picks you up at the airport and you get VIP line passes to everything in the resort) we also have a $10,000,000,000 VIP FTL package which adds the option of visiting Galaxy M101.
Real True Internet News: How far away is Galaxy M101?
Martian: 27 million light years. But I already know your next question… how long does it take to get there and back? That’s the really cool part of the deal… it doesn’t.
RTIN: What doesn’t what?
Martian: Traveling to Galaxy M101 does not take any time. Not to the traveler, anyway. If we were traveling AT the speed of light it would take 27 million years, each way. Our FTL engine can reach a velocity of 1,000 times the speed of light, however; so it only takes 27,000 years each way. But that’s 27,000 years earthbound time. Due to the time dilation that occurs from traveling at that speed, our travelers make the trip in about an hour each way. Our package is for 3 days and 2 nights. One day to get there, stay overnight, spend a day touring the galaxy, stay overnight again; then come back.
RTIN: But during those “three days”, haven’t 54,000 years passed on Earth?
Martian: Yes. And that’s just a minor detail we haven’t worked out yet. Although it is a hidden bonus for individuals with a lot of debt or bad credit, since when you get back; your credit is all brand new. Nobody keeps records for 54,000 years.
RTIN: … OK. So, assuming you work out that “detail”… how does the trip work exactly? In that photo it looks like the whole building launches off into space. So you’d be taking everyone in the building rather than just one traveler.
Martian: Well, that’s built into the price. Steve Wynn’s Encore resort only cost $2.3 billion to construct between 2006 and 2008. At $10 billion for each Intergalactic Vacation, we’ll be able to construct many copies of Mandalay Bay. We’re digging a huge tunnel right now which will allow us to have these copies loaded up and ready to spring out from underground. As soon as one Mandalay Bay leaves the atmosphere, a new copy will resurrect in its place from the underground tunnel. And we do make announcements every 33 minutes for several days preceding launch to make sure everyone is out of the resort except for the paid travelers. There’s no room service or housekeeping but the travelers do get to enjoy the entire resort without any crowds for three days.
RTIN: Wow. Well, I would not believe it if I didn’t see it right there in that photo.
Martian: Umm. Actually, we Photoshopped that. Mandalay Bay has not launched yet but we have tested the technology with the Frontier, Stardust, Klondike and Westward Ho. False press releases were issued stating that these resorts were demolished but actually they’re on short test runs. Stardust is scheduled to return in the year 2207.
RTIN: … and huge hotels falling out of the sky won’t be a problem in 2207?
Martian: Possibly. It’s not our problem though. Las Vegas will run out of water by 2020 so we don’t expect anything to be here by 2207. It will be all empty desert like it was in 1907.
RTIN: Well, thanks for explaining the FTL VIP package to us and good luck with the project.
Martian: Thank you. And tell everyone to use code FTL when booking online. We’re offering a discount of $1 billion to the first five customers.
Sarah Palin Finally Gets It
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has announced she is stepping down as Governor.
Real True Internet News expected this last year after she repeatedly embarrassed herself during television interviews; revealing that she was not familiar with any Supreme Court decisions and also being unable to name any magazines or newspapers.
“I finally get it now,” Palin said, when asked why she was resigning.
“I have no business being in politics at all. It’s just a weird set of random events that put me here. When I was running for mayor of Wasilla I thought being mayor was like being a cheerleader or goodwill ambassador. I never really thought of it as a political position or career. Then I go and get elected governor. Then John McCain asks me to run for vice president. It’s insane! What’s wrong with these people? I just want to drink lattes, get my nails done, go to aerobics and watch soaps. But noooo… you people wouldn’t leave me alone. You kept asking me questions about nonsense like the war in Iraq and the Constitution. I don’t care about any of that. Leave me alone.“
Taliban Implements A New Strategy
In order to escape US Marines targeting the Taliban in Afghanistan, some Taliban members have implemented a new strategy.
“They are trading in their robes, turbans, and decrepit beards for Teletubbie costumes“, stated our CNN correspondent via satellite telephone.
“Many of our Marines and other soldiers are still teenagers who grew up with the Teletubbies. While they know that Teletubbies are not real, and especially that they would not encounter a Teletubbie in the deserts of Afghanistan… there is a momentary shock and surprise which allows the Taliban enough time to run away and evade capture. Furthermore, many soldiers are reluctant to fire their weapons at cute cartoon characters. General Petreus is working on a counter strategy… outfitting US soldiers in Ahmad Duck and Mahmoud Mouse (beloved Islamic cartoon characters) costumes. Then, when our soldiers are surprised by a Taliban Teletubbie, the Taliban Teletubbie is at the same time surprised by Ahmad Duck or Mahmoud Mouse; which evens the playing field. They are both momentarily surprised and shocked.“
Michael Jackson is Still Dead
Various news sources and media outlets are reporting that Michael Jackson is still dead.
Michael’s sister Janet Jackson contacted Real True Internet News today to report her suspicions that he may not be dead.
“Michael was the King of Pop, you know? And he had magic power. How else could he get away with being a grown man who hangs out with children in his own private amusement park for all those years? The jurors at his trial said yeah he’s a pedophile but NOT GUILTY of these specific charges! You have to have magic power to get away with some shit like that, you know, basically caught with your pants down. So I think Michael is still alive. It’s some kind of supernatural paranormal stuff. The secret might be in his album Thriller.“
Real True Internet News Interviews President of Iran
Real True Internet News was granted an interview with Iranian president Mahmoo Fukmadinejad
Ahmadinejad: That’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
RTIN: Sorry…. umm, we were granted an interview with Iranian president Mahmoud Fagmadinejad after being flown to Iran in a private jet
Ahmadinejad: That’s AHMADINEJAD.
RTIN: Sorry, right. OK. So, President Suckmydad, were you
Ahmadinejad: It’s AHMADINEJAD. Don’t make me tell you again or you will be very sorry.
RTIN: Sorry. OK, Mister President…
Ahmadinejad: That’s better.
RTIN: So… how did you win re-election so quickly and easily?
Ahmadinejad: It is the will of Allah. Also, I read “Mein Kampf” and have adapted the teachings of Adolf Hitler. His methods were radical but effective.
RTIN: But Hitler was a raving, murderous lunatic.
Ahmadinejad: Yes, I admire him very much and would like to be just like him.
RTIN: You want to commit suicide after US forces defeat your military?
Ahmadinejad: No, of course not. I said I want to BE just like him. Not end up like he ended up. What is your name anyway?
RTIN: I’m, uhhh, umm, Kareem…. uhh, Abdul Jabbar.
Ahmadinejad: Good. That is a good Muslim name. Now what were we talking about?
RTIN: The election.
Ahmadinejad: Oh yes. I won the election by a huge margin. The people of Iran love me.
RTIN: I’ve seen them partying in the streets recently.
Ahmadinejad: Yes, they are filled with joy.
RTIN: President Hamgonadinajar, what is (ARGGGHHH)
Citibank Announces “Back to Basics” Campaign
Citibank CEO Eduardo Dollaro announced the launch of Citibank’s “Back to Basics” campaign this morning.
Dollaro explained the new campaign to us via satellite telephone:
“Money, or more specifically, coins and currency, were introduced as a mode of exchange. For example, if I had 100 goats and you had 100 cows and I wanted to trade you my 100 goats for 500 pounds of sugar… no deal. All you have is cows, dairy products, leather and steaks. All I have is goats and feta cheese.
So we invent money. Now I can sell my goats for money and buy whatever I need with that money. Money is kind of a universal product. Or that was what it was supposed to be.
Over time, money became more of an intangible product, which was not the original intention. It was supposed to facilitate exchanges. It was not supposed to become a magical product that self replicates (which is what earning interest is.) It was not supposed to become a phantom that could be magically erased (as is the case with bankruptcies.)
After the recent bank collapses, Citibank decided to go back to basics. It’s a new strategy but it’s only new to us. This is actually the way things used to be before money existed.
Starting on July 1, 2009, anyone who deposits 10 goats into a Citibank savings account will get 11 goats back after 12 months. No other bank offers 10 percent interest on savings accounts.
We are also offering loans of goats, squirrel pelts, and salt. That’s for the northeastern USA though. In the south, our branches are accepting possums for deposit and offering loans in cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon, NASCAR DVDs and 12 gauge shotgun ammunition. In the southwest, snakeskin and cactus are the standards. On the west coast they’re trading in coffee, craft beer and marijuana (with an official medical card only).
We’re expecting all other financial institutions to follow suit shortly after we launch this campaign.”
Las Vegas Reproduction Built on Jupiter
Las Vegas strip aerial view
Mayor Goodman left us a voice mail message in response to our inquiries. (We left him a few voice mail messages asking why a reproduction of Las Vegas was constructed in such a remote and uninhabitable location such as Jupiter.)
“You have to understand that when a person or corporation has more money than they know what to do with, they can’t just keep doing what they’ve been doing. Steve Wynn started planning his ultimate fantasy project (the Wynn resort) in 2002 and it ended up costing only $2.7 billion. What’s a trillionaire to do? Yeah, he threw a few more billion into Encore at Wynn, which opened late last year… but his real dream project was Jupiter. Steve and a few other investors launched Project Jupiter in 2003. This is an exact copy of the Las Vegas strip from Mandalay Bay on the south end to the Stratosphere at the north end, and also includes the nearby off-strip resorts like the Hard Rock and Palms. It’s an exact copy except for the people, of course. If a person could be transported instantly to Jupiter they’d die within about a millisecond due to the poisonous atmosphere, subzero temperatures, and incredible gravity. I’d weigh about 2 tons on Jupiter. The gravity was the biggest problem on this project – special materials had to be used to prevent the buildings from collapsing. It was all built by giant robotic cranes and robotic construction crews. After they finish the bubble dome over the reproduction that will let them create an Earth-like atmosphere and artificial Earth-like gravity, they’ll launch the Jupiter Junket space flight packages. Round trip spacefare and 2 nights in the hotel of your choice will run about $40 million and it also takes about 10 years to get there and 10 years to get back; but the suspended animation option makes it feel like about a 2 day trip. No big deal. The most interesting thing about this project is that no laws exist on Jupiter. It could end up being a haven for blackjack card counters, prostitutes, drug dealers, and casino cheats. We’ll see what happens.”
